Having reminisced fondly with a friend about this just the other day, I figured I’d write it down for posterity and all.
I like to give bad news first, so let’s start with the worst movie screening of my life.
I was in high school and Star Wars: Episode II was opening. On a dull Friday night, three friends and I trooped down to our favorite cineplex a few miles away to take in the utter travesty that is Attack of the Clones. We had entrusted the ticket buying to a friend, who we’ll call Jennie, for argument’s sake, who dutifully bought the last four tickets in a particular showing. “Wow!” said one friend, “That’s packed!”
“Well, it’s a Star Wars movie,” said another, shrugging his shoulders.
Jennie had virtually no idea of what the hell all this was about: She had never even seen Star Wars. At all.
The last thing I remember clearly before the adrenaline pumping into my heart full-force from sheer and utter terror was walking into the line they had set up for the theater and realizing that someone, somewhere had made a massive mistake.
We were the only folks not dressed up.
I’ve gone to many a movie showing – Rocky Horror, various Harry Potter films, and other Star Wars screenings where anywhere from 15 to 75% of the audience was in costume. But we were the only people that did not look like this:
The gaggle of men in front of us were dressed up as Jedis, so I vaguely remember someone striking up a conversation with them and finding out that we had managed to get the last four tickets to what was the Official Star Wars Convention showing for the Star Wars convention that had rolled into town.
No big deal, right?
Except I start seeing these guys in ILM shirts walking past the line and just cutting into the theater! NOT FAIR! I remember there being discussion amongst us about who those jokers were and how they got to pick the best seats first until something happened that I can only describe as a mass StarWargasm. Peter Mayhew walked by, followed by the dude who was in the R2D2 costume during the first three movies. And the little kid that played Jango Fett in the new movies. (Hell if I know, I’m not terrifically fond of Star Wars in the first place.)
It was like a throng of geeks exploded into furious rapture, oohing and ahhing at the sight of a seven foot man who could pass for Death himself followed by a gentle looking little person and then collectively swooning into each other’s arms as Jango Fett kid passed by, climaxing in a glorious typhoon of united geekery and nerdom.
It was, essentially, the most odd thing I had ever seen.
After the StarWargasm had passed, the geeks began to outgeek each other. Now, look: I’m the first to profess my geekery at any stage of the game. I’m a girl who would much rather watch Predator for the 8,000th time than any Julia Roberts movie. I’m a girl who when she found out they were auctioning off the velociraptors used in the Jurassic Park movie prayed to God that $60+ K would fall in her lap so she could buy a velociraptor, put it on wheels and take it every where with her. But this….this was something new, strange, and completely unparalleled in my world-view.
People began opening crates (yes, crates) of toys collected over decades, carefully mounted to fold out into a complete special display that would fold inwards when closed into a protective egg-crate foam inside. I saw people dressed up as Twileks, Jedis, Stormtroopers, you name it: they were there.
We got a lot of weird looks.
Eventually they started letting us into the theater and our small group of friends glanced nervously at one another. A small group of guys who looked like they were accountants by day, Jedis by night, shuffled into the row in front of us. They struck up quiet conversation amongst each other but quickly butted into ours, joking endlessly about Yoda for some reason. I kept my head down until:
“Weren’t you at the Babylon Five convention?”
One, lone Accountant cum Jedi Extraordinaire had turned around, his finger pointed, accusing me of something. I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Excuse me?”
“You were AT the Babylon Five convention.”
“I … don’t think so. I don’t even know what Babylon Five is.”
After five minutes of arguing, said Jedi reseated himself comfortably, mumbling discontentedly to himself about how I totally was at that convention and he had totally given me his phone number and I had never called him.
Terrified now, I slunk into my seat, only to be horror-stricken at Jennie’s outburst.
Jennie, for the record, is a funny lady. I haven’t seen or heard from her in years but I remember vaguely the two guys we were with and myself giving her patently clear instructions: If you don’t know about something, ask us after the movie. If you don’t understand, want clarification, or generally are ignorant of Star Wars in general, ask us later. The feeding frenzy I could imagine at Jennie naively asking a Stormtrooper what they were dressed up as could not serve anyone well.
It was one of those horrifying moments where everything seems to slow down, time stands still and you turn red at the mere memory of it. I can still hear her question echoing through that theater: “What’s a Jedi?”
It was like chumming for sharks; quickly, the nerdiest of the nerds encircled her, rapturously prosletyzing about The Force and the Skywalkers and the Empire versus the Rebellion; the great love story of Han Solo and Princess Leia and the triumph of GOOD OVER EVIL, and oh by the way…would Jennie like to come to their convention?
Then their shifty focus turned to us, imploring us, pleading with us, telling us we needed to come to their convention: it was a bargain price of only $100+ dollars and we’d be happily welcomed as new recruits to the fold.
If I hadn’t been primarily sure that they would’ve dragged me, kicking, screaming and crying back into the theater, I would’ve run screaming from the theater. I’ve had better luck kicking Jehovah’s Witnesses off my lawn.
I don’t remember much of the movie. I do remember a lot of zealous screaming and fist-pumping. I do remember Mr. Babylon Five voicing his displeasure at me not having called him on my way out of the theater. And I distinctly do remember pulling the covers over my head in bed that night, afraid that bearded, glasses-wearing Jedis were going to come popping out from under my bed, handing me religious tracts on the powers of the Force and how I could use it for good.
More like Jawa’s Witnesses. Couldn’t resist. :)
God, that is the PERFECT way to describe them. Well played, Joseph!
My 2nd worst screening (because the first is quite a long story) is when I took my friend’s sister to see Sweet Home Alabama. Strike one. About 20 minutes in some guy I didn’t recognize sat right next to me. Tons of open seats, he sits next to me. Strike two. During the film’s romantic climax, the mystery guy put his hand on my thigh. Strike three.
I stood up and said, “What the hell are you doing?”
He replied, “You’re not my girlfriend.”
I remarked, “Fuck no, I’m not your girlfriend.”
He then frantically looked around, spotted his girlfriend three rows ahead of us, and scurried back over to her, slumped down in his chair, and didn’t move until the film ended. Turned out that his girlfriend had a beautiful head of curly hair, just like me.
(2nd) Worst Movie Screening of My Life
Scott, that is…that is just…uproariously funny, but in the sense of “That totally did not happen to me”. I’m sorry! And ugh, if that’s your second worst, I would hate to see what your WORST is.
Caitlin, you should’ve just called him.
Just sayin’.
You know, J.D., he really wasn’t my type. :p
Funnily I thought Attack of the Clones was the best of the prequels.
Also, I would die with embarrassment if I was at that screening.
Okay, let me share an embarassing moment at the movies. I was on a date with this gorgeous girl from work. She was Italian. We went to see Scream 2. Great movie at the time. Really got the crowd going.
Anyway, after the insanely suspenseful scene when Neve Campbell and her friend climb out the front of the crashed cop car, there was a moment when Neve’s friend runs on and Neve stops to see who the killer is —
— at this moment, I lean over to my date and say to her, he’s behind the railings . . . except he was behind the railings and during my whispering in her ear the killer jumped out, startled the bejesus out of me and I subsequently SCREAMED in my dates ear.
It was mortifying. That’s my cringey story from the movies.
Okay, let me share an embarassing moment at the movies. I was on a date with this gorgeous girl from work. She was Italian. We went to see Scream 2. Great movie at the time. Really got the crowd going.
Anyway, after the insanely suspenseful scene where Neve Campbell and her friend climb out the front of the crashed cop car, there was a moment when Neve’s friend runs on but Neve stops to see who the killer is —
— at this moment, trying to impress my date, I lean over to her and say, “He’s behind the railings,” except as I’m about to whisper in her ear the killer jumps out, startles the bejesus out of me and I subsequently SCREAM in her ear instead. Horrifying her and mortifying me beyond belief.
That’s my cringey story from the movies.
Ugh. Sorry about the double post. It didn’t post first time.
It’s okay, WordPress seems to be having problems this morning. GRR.
I subsequently SCREAM in her ear
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Oh, you poor dear. Did she run away in terror?
I’ve been at the movies before where someone was abusing their little kid in front of me – management was called, it was not fun. Other than that, I think the only other really AWFUL showing I’ve had was when a friend and I went to see Exorcist: The Beginning and we were the only ones in the theater. That was just an awful movie, period; the highlight of the screening was my friend spilling his extra large Diet Coke on me.
She was cool about it. Embarrassing stories are what lifes all about, I think. Those perernially cool people are ultimately really fucking dull.
I’m sorry that was a terrible experience.
but MY GOD was that funny!
My worst experience was a theatrical cocktail which involved:
*The first Lord of the Rings movie (long, boring, NOT. MY. CUP. OF. TEA.)
*Two old ladies talking about a funeral they recently attended through the whole movie.
* A woman behind them who had an oxygen mask. *PSST* *PSST* *PSST* *PSST* (FOR SEVENTEEN HOBBIT-FILLED HOURS!)
Awful.
You can probably tell what kind of Star Wars geek I am by the fact that while I did read this whole entry, I was thinking, “PETER MAYHEW! SHE SAW PETER MAYHEW!” the whole time :)
That is a pretty awful story Caitlin. Damn funny though.
I think the worst for me was in high school. My ladyfriend and I were out on a date and she wanted to see Waterworld (I know, I know). First, we were late, which is like, the worst, for me. I can’t be late to a movie…drives me nuts. Then we arrive to a packed theater, so we have to sit down in front. Strike two! I hate sitting way down in front! Then she lost a contact lens. So…here I am, watching fucking Waterworld, 6 feet from the screen, my girlfriend sitting next to me with one hand covering her eye because she can’t see out of it. I kept asking (politely, of course) “Are you sure you don’t want to just get out of here?” Apparently she really wanted to see it, because we sat through the whole freaking thing. Longest two hours of my life, man.
We broke up not long after that. Not because of the Waterworld evening. Although it sure as hell didn’t help.
my girlfriend sitting next to me with one hand covering her eye because she can’t see out of it.
WAIT. Was she a pirate? A cyclops? Or was she just DEFECTIVE, andrew?
Two hours of Waterworld alone would’ve made me kill my fellow moviegoer, not to mention the lateness/down in front thing. Aagh! That’s awful.
* A woman behind them who had an oxygen mask. *PSST* *PSST* *PSST* *PSST* (FOR SEVENTEEN HOBBIT-FILLED HOURS!)
Scott, I sat through Moulin Rouge with two old ladies behind my sister and I saying, “That Saltine! Who does she think she is? What a whore!”
And yes, they were calling her Saltine, as in the cracker.
I was thinking, “PETER MAYHEW! SHE SAW PETER MAYHEW!” the whole time :)
Heather, I feel really bad for not being very appreciative of my close encounter of the Chewbacca kind, but I was very, very afraid. Maybe you just need to introduce me to a kinder, friendlier version of Star Wars fan or something? I don’t know. *shivers*
WAIT. Was she a pirate? A cyclops? Or was she just DEFECTIVE, andrew?
Obviously defective. I mean, she actually wanted to see Waterworld, fer chris’sakes.
I tell ya Caitlin, the movies I’ve seen…I also had to sit through Con Air, for a girl.
Y’know, at some point you have to just draw a line in the sand. No more bad movies!
I tell ya Caitlin, the movies I’ve seen…I also had to sit through Con Air, for a girl.
WHAT. Thank God Mrs. Andrew does not do this to you, I assume. Jesus H. Christ, that is awful.
Y’know, at some point you have to just draw a line in the sand. No more bad movies!
No lie! It’s why I (mostly) just wait for DVD now, unless it’s something really important – I’ve gotten burned too much. To total the year out, I will have only seen The Dark Knight in theaters. Next year will probably only be Taken and Harry Potter Nine Billion, or whatever Potter film they’re on now.
Jesus H. Christ, that is awful.
Yes, it is. But what can I say? The girl I was with at the time was a bit of a Saltine (ifyouknowwhatimean)…So y’know…ya gotta do what ya gotta do.
Thank God Mrs. Andrew does not do this to you, I assume.
No, thankfully she has exceptional taste in movies. Well…taste is subjective. Let’s just say our movie tastes line up perfectly. I think the only flick we disagree on is Big Trouble in Little China. Which was almost a dealbreaker. Obviously.
To total the year out, I will have only seen The Dark Knight in theaters.
Same here, for me it will have been The Dark Knight, Diary of the Dead, and probably Zack and Miri. But that’s it. I don’t even know what next year will look like.
The girl I was with at the time was a bit of a Saltine (ifyouknowwhatimean)…
Yeah, I know what you mean…I think. :D
I think the only flick we disagree on is Big Trouble in Little China. Which was almost a dealbreaker. Obviously.
Eeee, I bet. Was Diary of the Dead good? Is it even out yet? God, what a lame excuse for a movie geek I am. :D
…
Yeah, I know what you mean…I think. :D
HAHA!! Yeah….
Was Diary of the Dead good? Is it even out yet?
It’s been out for a few months I think. It was alright. The effects were fun, and it ran with that whole Colverfield-Blair Witch-Documentary style. But the social commentary was about as subtle as a sledgehammer. Worth seeing…but not worth the drive to San Francisco (the closest theater screening it).
Awesome story. One for the ages.
Oh and by the way, I’d love to purchase actual Gremlins if I could ever find them for sale.
Reel Whore, that is frightening. GREMLINS? I’m so afraid of them.