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Archive for October 7th, 2008

There’s many things an intrepid movie blogger such as myself can handle.   I made it through a viewing of Cannibal Holocaust once, finishing the movie drenched in my own tears, sorrow and fighting back my gag reflex.   I have withstood the horrors of movies such as High School Musical with a headache and half my teeth ground down.    I have sat through to the bitter, bitter end of every Daniel Day-Lewis movie I’ve ever seen, which is phenomenal given my fiery distaste for Day-Lewis.

But when you throw something at me like Ray Liotta’s bare ass bathed in the soothing, unnaturally cool blue of a personal tanning room as he screams at an assistant followed by a shocking close up of his pock-marked face with a heavy emphasis on Ray Liotta’s scary, scary set of chompers, that’s more than this lady can handle.    That’s where I checked out on this one, stifling my own fears to run far, far away and deep into the comfort of a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.

So I don’t know what to tell you.   If you like freaky naked Ray Liotta, then this is totally the movie for you.

Note to Guy Ritchie:   We may have to have an intervention, friend.

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After Gremlins and then seeing this, I may never be able to sleep again.   Guys, here’s the FINAL Twilight poster courtesy of the great people at Cinematical:

I’m sorry, I just need a moment.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

THIS IS SO MAJESTICALLY AWFUL THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO START.

I shall refrain from injecting my own thoughts to ask yours, dearests.

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Guys, I’m scared.

Gremlins scared the everloving hell out of me as a kid. I was terrified of them; I used to take long, flying leaps into my bed at night for fear that the gremlins I imagined under my bed would come out and eat me or something. I rarely dream, but when I was a kid I remember having Gremlins-related nightmares every so often.

Laugh all you want – this movie was scary as all get out to me. I know everyone else loves it, but it’s terrifying!

Come on, really. A guy named Billy gets a nice, sweet, innocent looking creature for Christmas from his semi-crazy daddy. Billy can’t even follow the stupid care rules correctly: no bright light/sunlight; no feeding them after midnight; no exposure to water.

This…thing…is not cute. That is horrifying. Horrifying and awful.

What happens when you get a gremlin wet?

IT SPAWNS MORE OF THEM. I shudder, y’all, I shudder.

And what the hell happens when you’re idiotic enough to feed a gremlin after midnight?

It’s like the CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM HELL. You get something nice and fluffy and it mutates into something horribly, horribly wrong. Steven Spielberg, what the hell?! This was the part that really got me as a kid; seeing the disgusting egg sac things and watching the evil Gremlins hatch was too much for an eight year old Caitlin to bear.

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