Guys, I’m scared.
Gremlins scared the everloving hell out of me as a kid. I was terrified of them; I used to take long, flying leaps into my bed at night for fear that the gremlins I imagined under my bed would come out and eat me or something. I rarely dream, but when I was a kid I remember having Gremlins-related nightmares every so often.
Laugh all you want – this movie was scary as all get out to me. I know everyone else loves it, but it’s terrifying!
Come on, really. A guy named Billy gets a nice, sweet, innocent looking creature for Christmas from his semi-crazy daddy. Billy can’t even follow the stupid care rules correctly: no bright light/sunlight; no feeding them after midnight; no exposure to water.
This…thing…is not cute. That is horrifying. Horrifying and awful.
What happens when you get a gremlin wet?
IT SPAWNS MORE OF THEM. I shudder, y’all, I shudder.
And what the hell happens when you’re idiotic enough to feed a gremlin after midnight?
It’s like the CHRISTMAS PRESENT FROM HELL. You get something nice and fluffy and it mutates into something horribly, horribly wrong. Steven Spielberg, what the hell?! This was the part that really got me as a kid; seeing the disgusting egg sac things and watching the evil Gremlins hatch was too much for an eight year old Caitlin to bear.
This is, as we all know, what hatches from those grotesque egg things, and let me just say: OHMIGOD. Not only is that thing just about my worst nightmare, it’s also eating a Christmas cookie. It decapitated that poor gingerbread man – look, that Gremlin’s mouth is smeared with the buttercream frosting of the innocent. Oh, the humanity!
Even worse, what was once a pleasant, semi-peaceful home is now turned upside down as the gremlins attempt to kill poor Billy’s mother. I have to say, even with my dramatic, god-awful fear of gremlins, Billy’s mom is kickass! She eviscerates one in her KitchenAid mixer, blows one up in the microwave, stabs one to death (hardcore, Billy’s mom!) and is nearly mangled by one jumping out at her from the Christmas tree.
Steven Spielberg, I’d just like to say, thanks, thanks very much – for making me afraid of Christmas.
I…I…oh my god, the trauma. Spike scared the shit out of me when I was a kid; I lived in terror of Spike. As an adult, I’m no different – this thing still gives me the creeps. Look at it! It looks like the mutated, crackhead, punk rock version of George Burns, you guys. DO I LOOK LIKE I’M KIDDING?
Well, you can’t actually see me (…er, at least I hope you can’t), so DO I LOOK LIKE I’M TYPING LIKE I’M KIDDING?
As soon as the gremlins get green and gooey, they overrun the town. And sure, Billy and his girlfriend ride in to save the day. They get rid of every last gremlin! But then we’re left with a charming voiceover from Billy’s daddy warning us that if stuff starts breaking in our house, we should first check for gremlins before calling the repairman.
Thank GOD the crazy Chinese man Billy’s dad sorta stole Gizmo from comes back to reclaim him. THANK GOD.
Of course, there’s a sequel so we know the Chinese dude’s safekeeping thing doesn’t hold for long. In fact, the gremlin that terrified me most isn’t even in THIS movie; it’s in Gremlins 2. Jesus Christ. I really don’t know that I could make it through that one.
Sure, all of you view Gremlins fondly. I know. I KNOW. You all think it’s funny and cute, and isn’t the little Gizmo just so twee and adorable? And isn’t it hilarious, all the gags they run with the gremlins singing along to Snow White and drinking in a bar?
To which I say: nay. Oh dear God, nay.
I think I need to lie down. Preferably, with a bottle of Stoli on ice. And a non-decorated, non-gingerbread cookie. I think I have to go cry now from reliving years of childhood trauma.
I need a hug like whoa, y’all.
If you need me, I’ll be over here…in the fetal position, shivering.
EDITED TO ADD: Dude, Zach Galligan (Billy) has a damn blog! A BLOG! That’s crazy, you guys! …And that’s my story.