I see a lot of confusion in the movie blogosphere about the upcoming movie Twilight, based off of the popular book series by Stephenie Meyer. Twilight fans are a hardcore little group, and the amount of internet buzz they’ve helped generate for the movie is insane. But…your rank and file movie fan has no idea what this is all about.
Friend, you are in for a real treat.
Twilight‘s a lot like Peeps. For those of you without access to Peeps – the horror, I say – let me explain. Peeps are marshmallows covered in colored sugar that traditionally have been sold at Easter. (The Peeps people have realized the marketability of these things at other holidays and have seized on them, but they’re mostly associated with Easter). They were originally sold as these mounds of marshmallow shaped into the form of a chick and covered with fine, granulated sugar in a variety of colors – mainly pink and yellow, should memory serve me correctly.
One Peep is good. But before you know it, you’ve wolfed an entire box down, you’ve gone temporarily insane from the sugar high, your mouth is coated with pink sugar and you end up face down on your bed, with half your teeth having already rotted out of your skull from the massive sugar consumption, a nasty headache and a killer feeling in your stomach.
So, Twilight‘s a lot like that. It’s essentially the book form of movie-crack.
My inner twelve year old liked Twilight. My grown-up self has serious issues with it (namely, some bizarr-o, bad portrayals of a “healthy” romantic relationship) but I won’t touch on that here. Instead, I’ll give you the basic rundown of the story and some snicker-worthy factoids, so you’re prepared.
And oh yeah, it’s behind this little separator, so all of you who wish to remain unspoiled may do so (although why in the world you would want to remain unspoiled for Twilight is perfectly beyond me).
- Basic plot: Bella Swan moves to Forks, Washington. Bella has a crush on the most beautiful guy at school, Edward Cullen. Edward and his family turn out to be a bunch of gnarly vampires. Bella and Edward must fight through this to be together! Oh, no!
- Vampires can’t go in the sunlight. Not because they’ll burn up, but because vampires sparkle like diamonds in the sun. That’s right. Disco balls and glitter pens have nothing on the vampires of Twilight. I swear to God, I am not making this up.
- Most vampires are cool with biting people. Not the Cullen family (of course). They only eat animals. Like grizzly bears. And mountain lions.
- Vampires play baseball, but they’re so strong that they have to wait for thunderstorms, so that the sounds of thunder will cover up the deafening sound of the baseball bat smacking the ball. I don’t know what depresses me more, the fact that I wrote a sentence like that or the fact that it’s actually true.
- Oh yeah, vampires also have venom. And magic breath that makes you swoon and faint. Once again, I really, truly am not making this stuff up, y’all.
- One of the reasons Edward is attracted to Bella is because she smells like freesias. I don’t know, make of that what you will.
- The following things are repeated very often in the books, almost annoyingly so, so I will repeat them here: Bella is clumsy; Edward’s old; Bella wants to be a vampire; Edward doesn’t want Bella to be a vampire; Bella has relationship issues.
- Edward can hear everyone’s thoughts except for Bella’s. Also, he likes to watch her sleep. Creepy, much? I say yes, although in the book, Bella seems to find it remarkably romantic. (The hell, I know.)
- Edward’s sister, Alice, can see the future. Vampires seem to have a lot of special “gifts” in these books.
- Vampires don’t sleep. At all, ever.
- Edward Cullen is like, 117 or something. (He’s 100+, that’s all that matters, really).
A word of warning: Your screening may likely be filled up with two kinds of Twilight fans: teenage girls and older women (“Twimoms”, I believe they’re called) who adore the books. Just think of it as the girly vampire version of Star Wars but not…as good. Or, rather, good at all, really.
Twilight fans, what say you? Did I leave anything out?