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#1484: Twilight

There’s not much more I can say about Twilight.   The best part of the movie for me personally was people-watching.   Twilight fandom is about as fan-wanky as you can get, and our audience clearly aimed to please.

The girl next to me in line, for example, uttered this finery right before entering the theater:  “And then I made my boyfriend put on body glitter so he would be JUST. LIKE. EDWARD.  EEEE!”

If that’s not terrifying, I don’t know what is.    Look, if you like the books, you’ll like the movie.   And if you don’t like the books or don’t care, guess what?   You won’t like it, probably.   I’ll just put it this way.

Twilight is the best comedy I’ve seen all year!    No…seriously.   It’s laugh out loud hilarious.   I have not laughed that hard in a theater since I saw Team America.

Honestly!

The lady next to me got all peeved and everything!   But I couldn’t help it.  You know how you laugh so hard you start to shake?

That’s what I did for 75% of this movie.

(Wait for it on DVD, trust me.   You’ll love it!  In an awesomely bad sort of fashion.)

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So…I’m partially alive, I promise.   Real life events have been crazy here at 1,416 and Counting headquarters!   And I’m still trying to fully process Manos:  Hands of Fate…because…well…I think it might have lowered my IQ about eighty-five points.   (I only had 100 points to start with too, so, drats!)

However, I AM attending a fantabulously glittery sparkly screening of Twilight tomorrow, so I guess you’ll know soon if the LULZ are worth it or not.

But, I did have to share this with you.   Coraline is a new stop-motion film coming out and by all accounts, it looks fantastic.   Take note, viral marketers of movies, because this is wise:   Check out what Cleolinda and Despoiler got for Coraline.   Now that is a ton of awesome and a half.    (Me?  Envious.  Of course.   That way beats the nine thousand promotional e-mails I get from PR firms promoting movies that um….I will probably never see.   Sorry, random PR firms that e-mail me often.   It’s just…I’m not fond of romantic comedies, you see, if you…you know…read my blog.)

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After Gremlins and then seeing this, I may never be able to sleep again.   Guys, here’s the FINAL Twilight poster courtesy of the great people at Cinematical:

I’m sorry, I just need a moment.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

THIS IS SO MAJESTICALLY AWFUL THAT I DO NOT KNOW WHERE TO START.

I shall refrain from injecting my own thoughts to ask yours, dearests.

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I see a lot of confusion in the movie blogosphere about the upcoming movie Twilight, based off of the popular book series by Stephenie Meyer. Twilight fans are a hardcore little group, and the amount of internet buzz they’ve helped generate for the movie is insane. But…your rank and file movie fan has no idea what this is all about.

Friend, you are in for a real treat.

Twilight‘s a lot like Peeps. For those of you without access to Peeps – the horror, I say – let me explain. Peeps are marshmallows covered in colored sugar that traditionally have been sold at Easter. (The Peeps people have realized the marketability of these things at other holidays and have seized on them, but they’re mostly associated with Easter). They were originally sold as these mounds of marshmallow shaped into the form of a chick and covered with fine, granulated sugar in a variety of colors – mainly pink and yellow, should memory serve me correctly.

One Peep is good. But before you know it, you’ve wolfed an entire box down, you’ve gone temporarily insane from the sugar high, your mouth is coated with pink sugar and you end up face down on your bed, with half your teeth having already rotted out of your skull from the massive sugar consumption, a nasty headache and a killer feeling in your stomach.

So, Twilight‘s a lot like that. It’s essentially the book form of movie-crack.

My inner twelve year old liked Twilight. My grown-up self has serious issues with it (namely, some bizarr-o, bad portrayals of a “healthy” romantic relationship) but I won’t touch on that here. Instead, I’ll give you the basic rundown of the story and some snicker-worthy factoids, so you’re prepared.

And oh yeah, it’s behind this little separator, so all of you who wish to remain unspoiled may do so (although why in the world you would want to remain unspoiled for Twilight is perfectly beyond me).

(more…)

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