HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP?!
X-Men Origins: Wolverine should’ve been an easy movie to make. The story of Wolverine was already written down as a whole comic, so it’s not like the filmmakers/screenwriters had any lack of material here. This is not something incredibly difficult. This should’ve been a hole-in-one. Instead, it turned out like some people were competing to make one of the worst superhero movies ever.
No, I don’t use the “ever” term lightly; Daredevil‘s non-director’s cut, The Punisher and shit, even The Shadow were better plotted out than Wolverine. Watching the Wolverine movie was like watching a few hours of WHAT-IN-THE-HOLY-FUCK strung together.
The movie begins with young James and young Victor Creed – James’ father is killed by Creed’s father and this is where James discovers he’s a mutant. Enraged by the death of his dad, James pops a pair of nasty looking bone claws and kills Creed’s father, only to discover Creed’s father is his real dad. Victor and James scamper off, and the most well-done sequence of the film is a montage of James and Victor throughout the years, fighting in every major war since the late 1800’s.
After a nasty fight that takes out their commanding officer in Vietnam, the two are court-martialed and sentenced to death. It’s too bad that both of them have insane healing factors, so – as James puts it – the sentence “doesn’t take”. William Stryker shows up, offering them a chance at redemption because of their special talents. They accept but it’s not long before James has a change of heart.
The team Stryker assembles is comprised of Wraith, a shapeshifter; Deadpool, a smart-mouthed sword-wielder; Agent Zero, a master gunman who never misses; Fred Dukes, a guy who can punch things really hard; Beak, an electrical manipulator and of course, Victor and James. When Stryker carries a mission too far and when Victor’s enjoyment of bloodthirsty killing is brought the forefront, James leaves. He adopts the name Logan, settles in the Canadian Rockies with Kayla Silverfox and builds a new life. When the team is slowly being killed off, one by one, Stryker shows back up to end his happy homelife.
There are so many problems with this movie that I almost don’t know where to start.
Special Effects: They’re so bad they’re laughable. Most of the movie is has terrible CGI to the point that it’s almost distracting to watch. A friend of mine commented on the explosions as being like “everything that blew up had explosive ordinance in it”. While I give action movies a lot of leeway on this sort of thing, Wolverine‘s special effects are ridiculous for 99% of the movie. A scene at Three Mile Island is so bad, I could see people in the theater throwing their hands up in frustration. (I was, too.)
Plot: Incredibly stupid, especially if you’re remotely familiar with the source materials. A good example would be Beak, played by Dominic Monaghan, who should leave this off his CV (his performance is not anything worth mentioning in the “good” column). SPOILER: Creed is ostensibly killing the mutant team members for their DNA in order to help genetically engineer the perfect mutant weapon – Weapon XI. Do any of Beak’s powers come in handy for Weapon XI? …No. What was the point of killing him then?
The movie also doesn’t follow the franchise’s own canon, which makes it unbelieveable to watch. The movie’s so focused on blowing shit up that the plot at times crosses into the grotesque. When Stryker realizes that he’s made Wolverine indestructible, he shoots him with adamantium bullets because his brain will heal…but his memories won’t.
What?!
No, really, read that again and think about it. That is the explanation the movie gives you. Adamantium bullets will make Wolverine lose his memory. How? We don’t know. It’s like everyone in my movie theater simulatenously cocked their heads to the side and said, “…The fuck?”
Someone expected me to pay $10 and be satisfied with that bullshit?
Acting: Dominic Monaghan, as I’ve said before, is not good in his 2 seconds of screentime as Beak. will.i.am from the Black-Eyed Peas is in this movie. Why, I’m not sure. It seems as though the prerequisite for his character, Wraith, was to have a terrible Southern accent and be willing to wear a lot of turquoise jewelry. In that regard, will.i.am succeeds. In every other way, he is astonishingly, depressingly bad to watch.
Hugh Jackman is shirtless and growly as Wolverine, which is how I like him, but the amount of terrible, shlocky lines they give Jackman and Liev Schrieber is painful. Schrieber mainly shows up, bares his teeth, growls and gets some snarky lines in. Yeah, yeah, nothing to see there.
Ryan Reynolds, though, is a joy, and I don’t say that as just a Deadpool fangirl. He really gets Deadpool, and for the 5 minutes he’s in the movie as Wade Wilson, he nails it. When he has to play Weapon XI, it’s so sad for him. The idea here is that Wade Wilson’s body is used as the vessel for Weapon XI, so Reynolds reappears as a mutated version of Deadpool. It’s so stupid that it makes my soul cry. GIVE THIS MAN HIS OWN DEADPOOL MOVIE.
Overall Film: Absurd. Grotesque. Ridiculous. Overblown. How many millions was this made for? I believe that Wolverine was (obviously) never going to be high art, but there was a way to make it actually WATCHABLE. In this, it fails and the only thing the group I was with could find solace in is that maybe the MST3K guys would do a Rifftrax for it when it’s released on DVD.
Comic Book Nerd Note:
NOTE TO PEOPLE WHO MADE WOLVERINE:
Why in God’s name did you think Deadpool was acceptable to change like this?!
Deadpool didn’t need to be changed, because Deadpool’s a comedy goldmine on his own. For those of you who don’t read comics (and I haven’t in an insanely long time), Deadpool’s known as the “merc with a mouth”. The best descriptor for Deadpool is…adorably psychotic. He’ll stab you for the last Cheeto. He loves Bea Arthur. He’s also apparently aware that he’s in a comic book. He is a massive jerk, but with great comedic timing and hilarious escapades.
Changing him into this weird Weapon XI thing showed incredible, jaw-dropping insanity. How do you fuck up Deadpool? Give him five minutes of lines and then sew his mouth shut.
Dear sweet heavens, the things that could have been.
As far as Gambit goes, while I waited a long ass time to see him in a movie, Taylor Kitsch wasn’t bad. He wasn’t great, but not bad. With all the shit blowing up right and left, couldn’t they have spent a little extra money to make sure he had Gambit’s correct eyes?
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go find a reputable comic book store where the employees aren’t creepy so I can buy a bunch of copies of Cable & Deadpool to ease the soul-ache I got goin’ on. Wolverine isn’t just terrible, it’s a clusterfuck of badness. If this movie were a dog, someone would put it down. Onwards to the brain-cleanse …
Thanks for saving me $10.
The trailers looked pretty bad, and I’m sad because while I’m not much of a Marvel or X-men fan, Wolverine as Logan was always cool. And they ruined it.
They chose Gavin Hood to direct- who helmed the excellent Tsotsi, and Rendition, which I did not see- and this was his first big action film. Maybe he was easy to push around. Maybe producers will realize that directing an action film and knowing good CG are not skills anyone can pick up.
Thanks for a solid if apoplectic review. Now we know why it got leaked- because people couldn’t believe how bad it was.
Thanks for a solid if apoplectic review.
MY RAGE, LET ME SHOW YOU IT.
Yeah, I hope I save a whole bunch of people $10. I’m hoping the box office for this one drops off massively next week, because I have never seen two theaters of people exit a film so despondently in my life.
it’s a wonder it made 87 million dollars
it’s a wonder it made 87 million dollars
I know, right? Ridiculous, and I can only hope and pray it massively drops off next week, especially considering Star Trek opens.
Where were you before I saw this dungheap!?!?
;)
I’m right there with you. Was checking the LAMBScores thus far…almost everyone’s given it 3/5.
WTF?!?!
If I was making a list of good things and bad things about the movie, I think the good list could fill a post-it note, while the bad could fill a roll of toilet paper. Not coincidentally….
I’m right there with you. Was checking the LAMBScores thus far…almost everyone’s given it 3/5.
Uh, WHAT?
On Twitter, the amount of positive tweets about it is overwhelming. I’m thinking, “Did we see the same movie?” And to be fair, I had some adult beverages before hand to grease my suspension-of-disbelief wheel and even that didn’t work. Huh.
I think the good list could fill a post-it note, while the bad could fill a roll of toilet paper. Not coincidentally….
Hee! So true. My saving grace is the fact that Ryan Reynolds is trying to push through the Deadpool movie. I hope some good can come of that, because that? Would be awesome. If they’re going to make more X-Men movies, though, they need to back away from the prequels and sequelize some more.
I never thought I’d see the day when I’d honestly say that I prefer Brett Ratner’s X-Men: The Last Stand, but um… I do.
I feel dirty now.
Poor Caitlin. Sorry you had to sit through this tripe.
I was dead set against it from the moment it was announced. Not out of geek rage or anything like that, but because after X-Men 3, I somehow knew this thing was going to be unwatchable. It would’ve been nice to have been proven worng.
Bummer too, I like Jackman’s Wolverine. The firt X-Men was kickin’ rad.
Not out of geek rage or anything like that
He does really well. I tend to go easy on the geek rage, since I know page-to-screen doesn’t always translate well, but damn, I mean, talk about losing the whole point of the picture.
I was dead set against it from the moment it was announced.
I was iffy on it, then excited about it because Deadpool was in it, and then I got more and more morose the worst reviews it got. Now I just feel kind of blah about it. What a waste of good money.
What a waste of good money.
Yeah, Hollywood has to earn my ten bucks these days. I think we only go to the movies about once a month, and the typical Big Action Summer Blockbuster usually stays off my radar anyway. That’s a surefire repice for me not seeing this one!
Are you gonna go see Star Trek on Friday?
Yeah, Hollywood has to earn my ten bucks these days.
No kidding. It’s actually shockingly rare that I go to the movies these days. I think the last one I saw before this was Watchmen, and before that was Twilight (sadly).
Are you gonna go see Star Trek on Friday?
I have to round some people up to go with me! Somehow, a metric ton of people I know are getting to go see it EARLY. Huh. So I have to find someone that wants to go see it. (If I don’t, I’ll just wake up early Saturday, trudge down to the multiplex and watch it by myself. Which I have done before and is not too bad if you’re going to a matinee, actually.)
I think the last one I saw before this was Watchmen, and before that was Twilight (sadly).
That’s not bad. You’re getting to the theater with some regularity. The last couple movies we went to were Sunshine Cleaning and Observe and Report. But this year has been pretty good. We also saw Coraline, Zack and Miri, and Let the Right One In (among others) in the theater.
So I have to find someone that wants to go see it.
I think my brother is going to insist that we go see it. He’s a half-ass Trekkie. I’m gonna try and con him into paying.
The last couple movies we went to were Sunshine Cleaning and Observe and Report.
Eww, how was Observe and Report? I’ve heard so many icky/mediocre reviews.
I think my brother is going to insist that we go see it. He’s a half-ass Trekkie. I’m gonna try and con him into paying.
There you go, foist it off on the naive Trekkie, haha! Everything I’ve heard is good, from the script to initial reviews, so I think you’re in for a good time. Hopefully!
Eww, how was Observe and Report?
We enjoyed it. Although I have to admit…I’m a big fan of Seth Rogen (I don’t understand all the hate!), I loooove Anna Faris, and I especially dig on dark comedies. So, there you go.
That said, I thought the film had some definite shortcomings. I felt they were mostly the fault of the script/director though. The actors did a good job. I think you’d probably get a kick out of it. Unless you dislike Seth Rogen.
Unless you dislike Seth Rogen.
I don’t dislike Rogen at all. I just heard so many iffy things about it that I was on the fence, but I’ll definitely Netflix it once it hits DVD.
And I’m super envious that you got to see Coraline in theaters! I missed it. Boo, hiss.
I just heard so many iffy things about it that I was on the fence
hahaha…apparently that didn’t stop you from seeing Wolverine!
And I’m super envious that you got to see Coraline in theaters!
Yeah, we didn’t want to pass it up in 3-D. I love me some 3-D. (which explains why we went to see My Bloody Valentine in the theater!)
Yeah, we didn’t want to pass it up in 3-D. I love me some 3-D. (which explains why we went to see My Bloody Valentine in the theater!)
I have a hard time with 3-D. Even with the glasses on, I have a difficult time seeing the images “pop” and it hurts my eyes really badly. So I just gave up a while ago on the utter! magic! of 3-D in my life. Oh well.
Even with the glasses on, I have a difficult time seeing the images “pop” and it hurts my eyes really badly.
Oh well, no big loss I suppose. Most of the 3-D releases that come out these days are kids movies anyways. Not like the good old days.
I’ve always been a fan. Ever since I was about 6 years old, when I saw Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone in 3-D. Totally hooked. (btw, Netflix that movie for some killer/cheesy old school sci-fi. Michael Ironside, Ernie Hudson, and a pre-John Hughes Molly Ringwald.)
I’ve always been a fan. Ever since I was about 6 years old, when I saw Spacehunter: Adventures in the Forbidden Zone in 3-D. Totally hooked.
If I had been able to see them as a kid, I probably would be a total 3-D nut now. I think your ability to see 3-D might be correlated to whether or not you can do those stupid Magic Eye puzzles and all that. (I’ve never been able to successfully see one of those stupid things…)
(I’ve never been able to successfully see one of those stupid things…)
haha…you dumb bastard. It’s not a scooner, it’s a sailboat.
A scooner is a sailboat, stupidhead.
Wait, what movie are you quoting there? ::mind goes blank::
Wait, what movie are you quoting there?
The only movie (that I know of) to ever have an entire plotline revolve around one of those stupid eye puzzle things: Mallrats.