Your Hot Old Man for May Is…

Jason Isaacs!

This dude made an evil British army officer sympathetic in a sick way to a lot of American ladies, yes?   And how is it that he is so effing handsome in every movie that he’s in?   HOW?   I don’t know.   Recommendation:  If you haven’t seen Showtime’s Brotherhood,  you should, because Mr. Isaacs is wonderful in it.

He’s Lucius Malfoy!   He was also quite yummy in Event Horizon, which I like even though the rest of the known world hates it.   He’s nice as the good guy, but I think we can all agree that his voice, that eyebrow and the whole package are nice as a villain, hmm?   (He plays the best villains, yes.)

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#1538: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

HOW DO YOU FUCK THIS UP?!

X-Men Origins:  Wolverine should’ve been an easy movie to make.   The story of Wolverine was already written down as a whole comic, so it’s not like the filmmakers/screenwriters had any lack of material here.   This is not something incredibly difficult.   This should’ve been a hole-in-one.  Instead, it turned out like some people were competing to make one of the worst superhero movies ever.

No, I don’t use the “ever” term lightly; Daredevil‘s non-director’s cut, The Punisher and shit, even The Shadow were better plotted out than Wolverine.   Watching the Wolverine movie was like watching a few hours of WHAT-IN-THE-HOLY-FUCK strung together.

The movie begins with young James and young Victor Creed – James’ father is killed by Creed’s father and this is where James discovers he’s a mutant.   Enraged by the death of his dad, James pops a pair of nasty looking bone claws and kills Creed’s father, only to discover Creed’s father is his real dad.  Victor and James scamper off, and the most well-done sequence of the film is a montage of James and Victor throughout the years, fighting in every major war since the late 1800’s.

After a nasty fight that takes out their commanding officer in Vietnam, the two are court-martialed and sentenced to death.   It’s too bad that both of them have insane healing factors, so – as James puts it – the sentence “doesn’t take”.   William Stryker shows up, offering them a chance at redemption because of their special talents.   They accept but it’s not long before James has a change of heart.

The team Stryker assembles is comprised of Wraith, a shapeshifter; Deadpool, a smart-mouthed sword-wielder; Agent Zero, a master gunman who never misses; Fred Dukes, a guy who can punch things really hard; Beak, an electrical manipulator and of course, Victor and James.  When Stryker carries a mission too far and when Victor’s enjoyment of bloodthirsty killing is brought the forefront, James leaves.   He adopts the name Logan, settles in the Canadian Rockies with Kayla Silverfox and builds a new life.   When the team is slowly being killed off, one by one, Stryker shows back up to end his happy homelife.

There are so many problems with this movie that I almost don’t know where to start.

Special Effects:   They’re so bad they’re laughable.   Most of the movie is has terrible CGI to the point that it’s almost distracting to watch.   A friend of mine commented on the explosions as being like “everything that blew up had explosive ordinance in it”.   While I give action movies a lot of leeway on this sort of thing, Wolverine‘s special effects are ridiculous for 99% of the movie.   A scene at Three Mile Island is so bad, I could see people in the theater throwing their hands up in frustration.  (I was, too.)

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