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Posts Tagged ‘utter crap’

Was it necessary to make Friday Night Lights into a soap opera?

No.

I love how football movies set in Texas feel the need to portray Texans as knuckledragging, dumb as shit hicks who know nothing about life outside small towns other than the sweet, addictive lure of football, which consumes everyone’s lives and is all everyone cares about.

Really, Varsity Blues is just the soapy version of Friday Night Lights, which is ridiculous given the fact that Friday Night Lights is about as good as it gets regarding football movies.    The town they’re essentially portraying is one lone town in West Texas where football is king.   There’s reasons for that; and while football is pretty much the preferred sport in Texas, I don’t think it’s this obscene.   (No standing head coach of a high school has a freaking statue erected in his honor.)    It’s hyperbole of the most ridiculous form and the movie lost me when they introduced the fat, slovenly character Billy Bob, who drives a souped up truck, eats stacks of pancakes slathered in peanut butter and has a pet pig.

There’s a point where it’s satire and then there’s a point where it’s just stupid.   Varsity Blues is just stupid.   And I don’t think Varsity Blues is even thought out enough to venture into satire.

To give it credit, Amy Smart and James Vanderbeek are pretty good; both have decent accents and handle the crap they’re given capably.  Crazy Jon Voight doesn’t have to stretch much as he’s essentially playing himself with a Texas accent.

Just don’t ask me to buy into a football movie about Texas when you’re pretty much bordering on mocking said characters and then when you try and get me to buy Scott Caan as the teeniest, smallest running back in the entire history of football.

The movie is, in short, lame.

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I should preface this by saying that I hate Uwe Boll’s movies. (This is probably not an unpopular opinion among movie buffs.) I’ve sat through at least four of his movies, trying desperately to find something redeeming in the hot messes he makes, but so far, I haven’t found much.

In the comments in an earlier post there was a small discussion between me and The Best Haiku Writer Ever, also known as andrew, about Uwe Boll’s movies wherein it occurred to me via another commenter that not everyone was aware of the horrific nature of this man’s movies.

Uwe Boll is a German filmmaker/producer who uses German tax shelters in order to make his movie. From The All-Knowing Wikipedia:

Boll is able to acquire funding thanks to German tax laws that reward investments in film. The law allows investors in German-owned films to write off 100% of their investment as a tax deduction; it also allows them to invest borrowed money and write off any fees associated with the loan. The investor is then only required to pay taxes on the profits made by the movie; if the movie loses money, the investor gets a tax writeoff.

Germany, your contributions to cinema have been duly noted.

Boll usually prefers to make adaptations of video games, like the movie I have just watched. In short, I’m not sure that Boll actually puts anything but half-assed effort into his movies. I’m not sure how in the world he keeps on doing what he’s doing, but he manages. His movies have terrible acting, horrific directions, plots and scripts so shoddy they just should have been reworked about eighty times before anyone decided to put them to celluloid; what disturbs me most is that the man takes something that could be theoretically decent and somehow screws it up. I never get the feeling Uwe Boll loves movies or even thinks he should have to work hard at making a decent film. In short, his movies piss me off because they’re mediocre pieces of crap that he is content to continue to unleash upon the public. None of his movies have improved; in fact, House of the Dead is probably one of the better movies I’ve seen that he’s done — sadly.

houseofthedead.jpg

So here we go, through House of the Dead.

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