Posts Tagged ‘Inglorious Bastards’

Mr. Tarantino – thank you.   I still have my doubts about Inglorious Bastards (or Inglourious Basterds, as you wish it to be called, apparently) but I do have to say, it takes a lot to make a grown woman nearly fall out of her seat due to the sheer power of amazing that the poster for Inglorious Bastards conveys.

Image via Cinematical.

It’s simple, yet striking.   It’s far different from all the other posters for your movies yet still conveys that certain sense of “I’m Crazy Quentin Tarantino!” that all your other posters have had.

And now I’m all atwitter for this damn movie – again.   HURRY IT UP, QUENTIN!

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Dear Quentin,

This is like… the second letter I’ve written you.  It’s not good when I write you letters, is it?

THEN LET’S STOP DOING SILLY THINGS, SHALL WE?   Casting Eli Roth in Inglorious Bastards?   Really?

Have you lost your ever-loving mind?

Don’t get me wrong.   I know you and Eli are all buddy-buddy.   You probably watch movies together and go bar-hopping and whatever it is that you do, but he is not an actor. Presumably, you’ve seen him act since he was in one of your own movies.   Dear God, QT, just look at the man.   I like Roth’s movies when he’s behind the camera, not in front of it.   And I’m assuming the role you’re putting him in is not a pervy frat-boy role, is it?

No disrespect to Roth.   I thought Cabin Fever was funny and a good horror film, and I liked both the Hostel films.   I thought his trailer for Thanksgiving was delightfully campy.   But every time I see him, I just have flashbacks to:  “Yeah, he’s a Professor!   A professor of being a dog!”

Bless his heart, I just don’t think Eli Roth was cut out to be an actor.   No harm, no foul, except for him being in this movie.

You need to hire someone to tell you “no”, Quentin.  You need to hire a “no person”, who will tell you when you’re out of your damn gourd and you sound like you’ve been inhaling paint fumes because your thinking is schizoid.   Is it fun to go shoot a movie with your friend for a few months in Europe?  Sure!   Will that make your movie good!?    IS YOUR FRIEND ELI ROTH?  Just say NO.

Your no person, incidentally, should be equipped with one of those enormous and squishy inflatable plastic mallets – the kind with the squeaky toy inside – so that when you “leak information” – like “I want to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as a German SS dude” – said no person can administer a swing to your head like Mickey Mantle.  It won’t hurt you, but it will keep your wits about you and you’ll even get the added bonus of sound effects.

It’s not hard, QT.

For God’s sake, just get on with it.

No love (at the moment),


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Okay, dearests.

If you have been keeping up with movies lately via this magic thing we call “the Internet”, then surely you know that the Patron Saint of Profanity and Hilariously Inappropriate Music During Sequences That Make You Cry, a/k/a one Mr. Quentin Tarantino, has managed to have his script for Inglorious Bastards leaked to, apparently, everyone everywhere (except for me).

It’s my understanding darling Q is still holding fast to his “Cannes ’09” premiere deadline which I think is a bunch of phooey.  And I think a bunch of you out there, steadfastly clicking away on your keyboards, feel much the same.

That’s why I’m doing this:   If Quentin Tarantino actually manages to release Inglorious Bastards sometime in 2009 (I’m not even holding my breath for Cannes, y’all) one of you few who read this blog regularly will win a stack of movies.   What movies?   I’m not sure.   I haven’t managed to pick those up yet.  But you will win something.

To enter?   All you have to do is comment below.   I’m curious to know if any of you think 2009 is an actual, feasible date for QT to have his epic war movie in theaters.

If Q gets it out in ’09, I’ll select a random name out of a hat.  There’s no exclusion on anything.   It doesn’t matter if you’re a non U.S. resident, of a certain age or anything like that.

Has Tarantino gone completely bonkers?   He might have, considering that this script features American soldiers scalping Germans.   My kind of movie, I guess.

And hey, why did everyone get a copy of this stupid script except for me?

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Oh, Quentin.

Imagine my shock when I opened up my internet browser this morning and moseyed on over to Cinematical only to discover you’ve been running that mouth of yours again. Sure, I wished for you to get on the ball about Inglorious Bastards, but not quite like this.

Via the good folks at Cinematical:

Tarantino has pronounced that he’s finished a draft of the script (that was fast) and “if all goes well, I will be here, in Cannes, in 2009 with Inglorious Bastards.”

…Wait, what?

I’ve been hearing for years, literally, about this movie, Mr. Tarantino — I’ve heard crazy, strange stories about 800 page draft scripts and Michael Madsden and whatever bizarre affectations come along with a Tarantino film. And now? Now, you give me this.

Oh, Quentin. Again.

We have a strange and varied history, don’t we? I like you and then you do something so odd and creepy that I have to take ten steps back and start running away.

I love your movies. Granted, it’s always been very trendy to fall head over heels for Tarantino films, but there’s no denying you’ve got talent and not just that, I’ve resisted your insane-o movie crack many a time, even insisting in some quarters that you’re not as good as you think you are or that perhaps you should issue a “cheat sheet” of recommended movies that you’ve stolen from wholesale every time you release a new movie. And every time I run away, either from some freaky interview you you gave, or your psychotic ramblings that make you sound like a two-bit hack jacked up on uppers, you’re still there with your stupid Reservoir Dogs and Charlestown Chiefs jersey and infectious love of kung-fu. You make it hard to stay away.

Here you tease me with the fact that you’ve finished a long awaited draft (or pared it down, depending on which sources we believe) of Inglorious Bastards and you say it might be ready for the 2009 Cannes festival. How, pray tell, are you going to accomplish that? Are you going to hop yourself up on so many amphetamines Judy Garland style to finish this film from a draft script that by the time Cannes rolls around next year you’ll be singing cracked out versions of “Get Happy” with RZA? Tell me how, Quentin! Tell me!

After all we’ve been through, Q, it’s so decidedly unfair to dangle this carrot in front of my face with a promise you can’t deliver. But there’s our history, right, Quentin? An avenue of broken promises and addictive films that I keep running back for, while making shameful excuses to everyone else I know. “He is a genius, I promise!” I say. “Look, I know he’s a freakshow and a half, but he’s talented! Yes, I know all his characters curse a lot and talk about random stuff; just watch the movie, okay?”

This is so unfair, Quentin. We both know the real truth – we can probably expect Inglorious Bastards around 2020, but I don’t understand why you have to keep on pulling at my emotions like this.

(If you actually do sing “Get Happy” with RZA, I want video. ASAP.)

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