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Posts Tagged ‘Gabriel Byrne’

In all actuality, I saw parts of Gothic when I was about twelve.

I felt conflicted on this one; on one hand, I hate the fact that it feels shoddily made and is…well…pretty crappy. However, my inner twelve year old screams at me: “But this is why you like Gabriel Byrne so much!”

12 Year Old Me: Self, Gabriel Byrne is wayyyy hot. I mean, hot with two t’s.  HOTT.

Me, Now: Concurred, self, but still. Did you watch this movie?

12 Year Old Me: Most of the beginning. It was on too late for me to finish. But it’s pretty! It’s got fun costumes and it’s set in a big house and…GABRIEL BYRNE.

Me, Now: Yeah, you’re also spending time in Science class doodling on your Backstreet Boys photos you have pasted in your notebook.

12 Year Old Me: Oh, that is SO UNFAIR. They are soooo awesome.

Me, Now: In a retro, nostalgic sense, yeah. Did you notice that this movie makes NO SENSE? Also, it’s not based much in any sense of historical FACT, other than the true story that Percy Shelley, the future Mrs. Shelley, Lord Byron and some crazy chick actually spent a night telling ghost stories and that’s when Mary Shelley came up with Frankenstein? I think the hallucinogenic drugs and rampant sex bits were added to “spice up the story”, if you know what I mean.   Also, everyone looks like they’re suffering from consumption in this one.   No good, makeup department, no good.

12 Year Old Me: There were drugs in this? And…SEX?!?!

Me, Now: Yeah, and not just drugs in the sense that the director overloaded on LSD before he made this. Like, they’re supposed to be taking actual drugs.  And running around Lord Byron’s crazy ass house and imagining things.   …And getting randomly naked.

12 Year Old Me: BUT, GABRIEL BYRNE.

Me, Now: It also looks like they used steel wool on the final film print. The movie looks, just from an aesthetic standpoint, like crap.   Plus, the acting is atrocious.    Trust me, self, wait five years when you see the Argento version of Phantom of the Opera and you will internally roll your eyes at Julian Sands forever.   FOREVER.   Even Natasha Richardson is total crap.    And the entire movie is so dark, you can barely see anything.   It’s just a metric ton of awful.   Really.   Even at twelve,  I had some measure of taste.

12 Year Old Me: GABRIEL BYRNE.

Me, Now: SHUT UP, I HAD TO SEE JULIAN SANDS’ BARE ASS IN THIS ONE AND THE MOVIE DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. I WILL NOT HEAR THESE EXCUSES, TWELVE YEAR OLD SELF.

12 Year Old Me: Gabriel Byrne?

Me, Now: Oh, uncle. I give up.

It’s awful, but…GABRIEL BYRNE.

Sigh.

Some fights, you just can’t win.

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Well, this is more for me than you, because when I check the blog today, this is what I really want to see:

Damn, Gabriel Byrne.   Damn.

That’s really all there is to say.

Also, it’s just not Halloween for me without Ash, hence the new header for the month of October.   Evil Dead, yes!

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Gentlemen, I apologize profusely.   Your condolence cards for being left off of the first post are in the mail and shall be arriving shortly.

JOHN CUSACK – Even with Must Love Dogs and crap of that ilk, I still love Cusack.   Mainly for Grosse Pointe Blank and things of that nature.   I always feel iffy on High Fidelity but I still love him in that movie.  Plus, tall, dark, handsome.   You get it, right?

KARL URBAN – Oh god, do not even ask me to justify this one.   Let’s just let it go, okay?   I mean, he’s been in some pretty good fare, like Lord of the Rings and I was so ungodly happy that he landed the role of Kirill in The Bourne Supremacy but Pathfinder?   DoomGhost Ship?    Sob, a thousand times over.

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Oh my god, this movie is a thousand kinds of bad.   There’s nothing good-bad about it, either.

point-of-no-return-dvd.jpg

Okay, first of all, I want to ask Gabriel Byrne one question and one question only:  “Why were you in this remarkable piece of crap?”     Oh, Gabriel.   You and those pretty blue eyes are capable of so much better.

Point of No Return is a remake of a much finer French film, La Femme Nikita.   The basic plot is that Bridget Fonda plays a Nina-Simone obsessed junkie who is in a robbery gone wrong and she manages to receive the death penalty for her role in it.   The execution is faked and instead the government trains her up as an assassin.   Needless to say, Bridget Fonda’s character is not entirely thrilled about this whole turn of events.

This film feature one of the most hilarious execution scenes ever put to film.  Not only is the execution chamber highly stylized, Bridget Fonda’s face is classic.  It’s like she’s having a lobotomy instead of lethal injection and afterwards promptly pees all over herself.

Bridget Fonda’s  acting is atrocious in this.  Not only is it hard to believe she’s a junkie, it’s hard to believe anything other than the fact that she’s a whiny little snot at every turn of the movie.    She rages with almost pre-teen angst through all of her training, where it’s pretty obvious Gabriel Byrne isn’t trying to down Jameson’s in between sessions and backhanding her alternately.    Watching her efforts at being “frustrated” is like watching a child try and paint Rembrandt.   It’s hard to conceive that her boyfriend, played by a very scruffy, hobo looking Dermot Mulroney, wants anything to do with her, but somehow, he does.

After she completes her training, Bridget Fonda’s character, who is now known as Claudia, is sent to Venice, California as a home base.   We know this because we get some cracktastic montages of people rollerblading and lifting weights in the most hideous spandex day-glo outfits imaginable.

Needless to say,  Hobo Dermot Mulroney begins to get very suspicious.   She doesn’t seem to work a lot for someone in “sales” and she gets all these whacked out phone calls where she has to just up and leave.   For someone who’s a super-stealthy assassin, Claudia’s not very convincing at making excuses to leave to go kill some people.

Claudia now has to juggle her “regular” life with her “assassin” life and figure out a way to make the two balance.   I could imagine how shooting people in the head with sniper rifles as your day job would conflict with being a nine-to-five sorta person and having a wretched looking hobo for a boyfriend.   So there’s lots of drama.

I won’t spoil the ending, but needless to say, I don’t think you should want to throw something large and heavy at a main character that is supposed to be sympathetic.   Or wonder why Gabriel Byrne took this role in the first place.   Or wondering if Mr. Byrne saw the final product and promptly drank himself into a years long stupor.

Yeah, it’s that bad.

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