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Posts Tagged ‘Angelina Jolie’

I really have been flummoxed about how to write about Hackers; between the frustrating hubbub of the holiday season, the mad dash to get all the shopping done and the fact that I’ve had some sort of odd malaise that’s made me feel downright exhausted most of the time, all I could brainstorm was LOLINTERNETS.   Because that, essentially, is what Hackers boils down to.

Instead of giving you LOLINTERNETS (you come here for more than that, right?   I’m not sure what you’re coming for, the witty banter, the inspired comedy, or any of the other number of things I attempt and fail at), I give you the five best things about Hackers:

1.   Fisher Stevens

Stevens plays the network security dude for a large corporation who attempts to pawn the blame off for his nefarious theft scheme on a group of high school hackers, headed by the unnaturally attractive Angelina Jolie and Jonny Lee Miller.    Stevens’ baddie isn’t content to just scheme and plot in dastardly ways, nor is he happy to just mess around with one of the executives, played by Lorraine Bracco.   No, he must mess with Dade Murphey (Miller’s character), a computer genius struggling to stay out of trouble after he hacked the NYSE at a young age.   And it’s there that Stevens’ character really shines, after all, since he’s working for the man and yet totally against the man.   Hell, Stevens’ character is against everyone who’s not Fisher Stevens.   And he skateboards everywhere, even holding on to his super fancy limo and skateboarding down an abandoned street to pick up a floppy disc (remember those?) from Dade.

2.   The Internet Is Fluorescent

Image found here.

While it’s a definite upgrade from Johnny Mnemonic‘s surfer dude meets Japanese fashion sense interpretation of the Internet, Hackers‘ vision is no less funny, with shots running through circuit boards and wiring lit up neon and bright.   Even funnier is the depictions of a massive corporation’s networked computers, with Penn Jillette of Penn & Teller fame as the computer jockey running the board.

3.    The Random Celebrities

Dude, everyone is in this movie.    Angelina Jolie, before she was famous.   Poor Jonny Lee Miller, who married and divorced Jolie and went on to star in such abysmal fare as Dracula 2000 and Mansfield Park and lead a quiet, ‘hey, it’s that dude’ sort of existence.   Marc Anthony who was a singer once upon a time and is probably most famous for being Mr. J-Lo pops up as an FBI Agent.   Matthew Lillard is freaking hilarious as a permastoned hacker named Cereal Killer; Lorraine Bracco portrays a nervy corporate exec in league with Fisher Stevens’ villain.   And as mentioned before, Penn Jillette took a break from his busy magic schedule to be in this one.

4.   Teenager Hackers Save The Planet

Environmentally conscious and disgusted with corporate greed, these teenagers can tackle anything!   Sure, they can barely attend Pre-Calculus, but when they’re not taking down anti-hacker government agents and uncovering plots to destroy oil tankers and steal money, these kids are always up for a good time.   They’re like the cyberpunk Planeteers or something, but hotter.

5.   The Takedown of Richard Gill

One word:  Montage-tastic!   The hacker teens conspire to figure out who’s the best hacker – Jolie or Miller – by having a competition to see who can ruin Richard Gill’s life the most.   Gill’s a government agent who focuses on cybercrime, so it’s only natural that he’s hacker enemy number one.   The hackers add Gill’s name to an erotic personal ad, nearly bankrupt him, ruin his credit rating and have him classified as ‘deceased’.   It’s a funny sequence of moments, mainly because the guy who plays Richard Gill plays the straight man exceptionally well, but also because of the slightly inventive ways in which the hackers take him down.

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…You didn’t think I was serious, did you?

So, tonight was a weird night for me. For any of you out there wondering, I don’t watch TV shows. If I do, I usually watch them in several sittings on DVD. I don’t watch network TV in the slightest. I think the last TV show I saw was the season finale of House, Season 1. Yeah.

I usually watch a movie a night, either from Netflix or from my personal stash. I find it infinitely more enjoyable than TV. That’s just me, personally. I’m also a big hockey fan, so most of the time during the regular season, I’m watching several games a week which balances out the movies nicely. We’ve hit the dead part of hockey season right before Stanley Cup playoffs start, so I’ve had a lot of downtime to watch even more movies.

Tonight, however, I had dinner out to celebrate making it another year without sticking any forks in electrical sockets or having a piano dropped on my head, came home and had cake and presents and then settled in to watch what I hoped would be a relaxing, enjoyable hockey game. It was not.

“Curses!” I said to myself. I sat through 65 minutes of a crap sporting event to discover it’s now almost 12:30 a.m. (my time) with little time to watch a movie and write a blog post where I attempt to be funny and fail and then make some crap up. (It takes more time than you think.)

So I delved into my Trailer Repository. The link is in the sidebar if you ever want to see my YouTube account with trailers favorited for upcoming movies. Instead of watching one movie, I could watch snippets of like, six movies, without much effort and time and then tell the internets what I think of them.

Win!

Onwards…

#1: THE LOVE GURU

Okay, so this movie is about a guru who comes from India to reunite a hockey player and his estranged wife, which makes…no sense. First of all, most of this looks like recycled jokes from the Austin Powers, which I hate. Either make Austin Powers IV, Mike Myers, or don’t. Your choice, jerkface. Secondly, the only reason I would go see this movie is for Justin Timberlake playing a Quebecois hockey player. Well, and the fact that very funny comedian Daniel Tosh is in this movie doesn’t hurt, but it’s not urging me to spend $10 of my money, Mr. Myers.

For any non-hockey fans out there, I’d like to share a little something with you. It’s quite possibly the only thing in this trailer (besides Timberlake) that made me laugh. The guru’s agent tells him, “The Toronto Maple Leafs will pay you $2 million if you can get Daryl Roanoke back with his wife in time to win the Stanley Cup”. I kid you not, Dr. Pepper came out of my nose. The Toronto Maple Leafs are rivaled only by the Los Angeles Kings in the NHL for the title of “Worst Team in the League”. They’re bad. They’re so bad, I don’t even know where to start.

THE LAST TIME THE MAPLE LEAFS WON THE STANLEY CUP WAS IN 1967.

Obviously, either they’re poking fun at that, or Toronto was the only team that would let them involve their team in the movie. I suspect it was the latter.

#2: DECEPTION

I have no deep thoughts on this one except, “Mmm, Hugh Jackman. Mmmm, Ewan McGregor. Erm, can I preorder tickets yet?” In case you haven’t noticed, it doesn’t take a whole lot to draw me into a theater for some movies.

#3: SPEED RACER

I’ve only watched a few episodes of the cartoon, but man, this looks promising. Everything I’m hearing is positive and I understand the special effects are supposed to practically concuss me with awesomeness. I love that John freakin’ Goodman is in this movie. I’ll, um, probably see it in the dollar theater, but I’ll see it nonetheless. Also, is it just me or does Christina Ricci look like one of those Blythe dolls?

#4: WANTED

Highly unbelievable, stylized action flick featuring Angelina Jolie? I am there. I am seventy kinds of there. This one’s directed by the guy who directed Night Watch and Day Watch, both of which I’m very fond of, so it’s got that going for it as well. I’m not sure how I feel about Angelina’s “around the corner” gun, that’s for sure — well, ooookay, Angelina, if that’s how you roll. Also, I have no opinion on James McAvoy. He’s briefly shirtless in the trailer so I’m kind of leaning towards, “James McAvoy is kinda okay by me”. Hey, look, my standards are low.

#5: THE LOST BOYS: THE TRIBE

Whaaaat? What? Seriously, a sequel to The Lost Boys? Say it ain’t so! But..but..how can you make this movie without Kiefer? Without Jason Patric? Without Dianne Wiest? (Apparently, you can make it with Corey Feldman, but that’s because Corey Feldman checked his schedule and saw he had 80 games of shuffleboard lined up and figured shooting a movie was time better spent.)

That being said, it looks so cheese-a-riffic that now I have to see it. It’s probably just an “updated” version of The Lost Boys, but hey. I want an explanation about how Edgar Frog became a surfboard shaper and where the hell Corey Haim and Jason Patric ran off to.

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