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Archive for the ‘worst movies ever’ Category

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Think Bratz, only more patronizing and twee.

I didn’t know it was possible, but IT IS.

How weird is it that a show that’s entirely based on celebrating and glamorizing the obnoxious fetes of a group of spoiled-rotten teenagers is turned into a movie that’s about using your Super Sweet 16 for philanthropy and not excess?   ‘Mind-boggling’ is the term that springs up in my head.  Other than that, please see Bratz.   The same syrupy teenage stereotypes are used here.

I puzzled my puzzler, to borrow a term from Dr. Seuss, for days on how to write this.   Honest to goodness, there’s no good way to review it.   Once I stopped having a stream of mental vomit that probably looked like the Lisa Frank store had set up shop in my bile ducts, I was left at a loss for words.   I don’t know that a more useless, obnoxious piece of worthless waffling has been put to plastic in quite a while.    Can’t we give children credit to think that they might want for more than this?

You also have to question the appeal of making this movie into an after-school special, given the fact that all the show did was give bratty teens a platform to share with the world their fits about not getting to ride into their party on the RIGHT ELEPHANT.   These are kids with too tight grips on Mommy and Daddy’s credit card, kids who clearly missed the lesson Roald Dahl tried to teach with Veruca Salt in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. The folks who are undoubtedly turning on My Sweet 16:  The Movie are not looking for a message of “showing off isn’t everything”; they want to see if some kid can book Jay-Z and ride in to the amphitheater on a caravan of gold-leafed camels outfitted with saddles hand sewn with blue diamonds, all while the kid slices up a ninety tier cake.   At least that’s what I’m thinking, given the couple of episodes of My Sweet 16 that I’ve endured.

Is it the worst I’ve seen?   Oh, hell no.   Is it the worst of the kids movies that I’ve seen?   Oh, yes.

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If you want a movie as dull as a box of rusty razorblades, then Glitter is definitely your ticket.    Talk about a snoozefest…

A struggling singer – Mariah Carey – was abandoned by her single, lounge singer mother at a young age and since then, she’s been struggling for professional acclaim and the ability to find her mom.  A promoter comes along and offers Billie, the young singer, and her two friends a job in a group.  It really turns out to be that Billie is the real singer while another girl, Sylk, gets all the credit for the vocals.  A DJ spots her as the real singer and from there, Billie’s career takes off, but can she survive choices between friends and careers?   And what, pray tell, will Billie do when the promoter comes back for his chunk of the pie, putting her on-the-rocks relationship with the DJ in peril?

If you’re already bored senseless, then imagine stretching out that overworn plot into a two hour movie.    Here’s a shocker:  Mariah Carey in my opinion isn’t as awful as everyone made her out to be.   She’s barely passable as an actress but I have to say, I’ve seen a lot worse in the past few months.   What’s really sickening about this one is the performance of the supporting cast.   See Terrence Howard before he was all well-known, cheesing it up as a sleazy promoter.   See Da Brat, she of The Surreal Life and rap fame, playing one of Mariah Carey’s best buds in what may be the most annoying yet bland portrayals I’ve ever seen of the best friend/hanger on.

More than anything, Glitter refuses to deviate from the clichés of movies before it, nor does it offer up anything spectacularly original or interesting.   Two hours of Maria Carey trying to make her celluloid mark isn’t very interesting at all.   I’ve had more fun during dental procedures.

Worse yet, Glitter is set in the ’80’s in a period of dance-pop and New York clubs, something which is decidedly not easy on the eyes.   Two words:   camel. toe.   It’s not pretty and it’s not any easier to look at in spandex, stretch polyester or some sort of silver-y outfit that looks vaguely space age.   (You could probably cover the space station with the material from that outfit).   It doesn’t bring on any warm feelings of nostalgia to see people running around in hot pink and hats with the brims flipped up; it adds another layer of cringe to an already sad, vapid movie.

The ending of Glitter is indicative of the whole movie:   the now-famous, successful daughter shows up in a limo and spangly formal dress to meet her long-lost mother who has turned into Suzy Homemaker out in the country.   Trite, boring, and uninteresting, it’s amazing the few theatergoers who braved Glitter made it out of the theater without leaving copious amounts of vomit in their respective wakes.

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I’ll preface this write up by saying Untraceable is far from the worst movie I’ve seen doing this little shindig we call “Worst Movies Ever”, but it’s a far cry from the best.    In fact, it’s just shoddy and poor all the way around.

Diane Lane plays FBI Agent Jennifer Marsh, a lady who starts out as a no-nonsense, ass-kicking kind of cybercrime agent.   By that, I mean she picks up the phone and literally requests a door knocked down based on circumstantial evidence that would never actually get you a warrant in real life.   Already, this movie?  It bores me.

Marsh is asked to investigate a website with her partner, Griffin Dowd.   Killwithme.com features a kitten stuck to fly paper, unable to move as people watch the thing suffer and die.    Once the audience is successfully disturbed and a modicum of sensibility that the future serial killer is a sicko has been established, we move on.

Marsh, it seems, is a dedicated family woman!   She’s a single mom, lives with her mom and her daughter and throws roller-rink birthday parties where she invites her coworkers.   How sweet.   It’s too bad there’s  a psychopathic serial killer who likes to broadcast his major killings on the internets, huh?   That’ll totally fuck with your suburban household downtime.

Here’s where the film fucking explodes into stupidity.

Each victim is selected and broadcast for everyone to see on the Internet.  The more hit counts the website gets, the quicker the victim dies.

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One victim is pumped full of anti-coagulants and made to bleed to death; another is stuck under high-powered lamps and somehow burned to death.   When Griffin discovers the identity of the killer, he’s rounded up and summarily dispatched in a tank of water quickly infused with sulfuric acid.   Pleasant.

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(more…)

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Guys, it’s going to take a lot to beat this one for the worst.

I want you to imagine in your head a couple of things, first. Let the sweet sounds of nature – the trees blowing in the breeze, a couple of happy crickets chirping away in the background – and I want you to remember that and overlay those sounds with this image:

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Yeah, yeah, keep those happy nature sounds in your head. I’m creating a visual and auditory picture in your head not unlike Bob Ross – we’re getting to the happy little trees part of this painting soon enough.

Now I want you to imagine the sounds of coffee being percolated with someone vomiting overlayed with what I had earlier, and then the striking image of someone cutting themselves open with a straight razor.

It was at that point that I thought to myself, “I have reached some point of no return. This is…I don’t even know how to describe this.”

That is the first ten minutes of Begotten. There’s no dialogue, only ambient noise and percolating vomit sounds; there’s no plot (Scott e-mailed me an explanation, but I feel this “movie” is better without one). And the whole movie looks like this:

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There are three characters that run around with bags on their heads or strangely grabbing themselves in odd places. The entire movie should be turned into one of those LOLCAT macros with “WTF” running at the bottom of every cell.

To put it into perspective: Watching Begotten feels like at any moment you are going to receive a phone call or an e-mail warning you that you now have a week to live before some sopping wet spider lady comes out of your television to feast upon your soul. It really does. It’s kind of soul-crushing in a sense, because I suppose if you really put some thought into it (and believe me, people, I did not want to really put anything into this one) someone intended this to be lofty, avant-garde kind of film that made a statement.

Obviously, this person had no clue that this film telegraphs the message: “AWFUL, STOP. MAKES NO SENSE, STOP. I HAVE LOST ALL MY INNOCENCE AND WISH TO BE PUT OUT OF MY MISERY, STOP. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, STOP.”

As far as I can tell, in the Worst Movies Ever derby, everyone else is eating Begotten’s dust. And if you really don’t believe me, well, you can mentally scar yourself for free here on Google Video.

I may never be the same, guys.

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OH, WHAT THE HELL, ROLAND EMMERICH?

WHAT. THE. HELL.

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10,000 BC is a fine example of technical achievement gone awfully wrong.  Sure, there’s breathtaking landscapes and detailed CGI animals of years gone by, but the setting makes no sense.   Emmerich must have taken a history book and thrown it in a blender, because I can’t even make heads or tails of what the hell he’s managed to piece together.

10,000 BC tells the story of a tribe who lives in the mountains in the days of prehistoric man.   They hunt woolly mammoth and rely on an old woman for advice about hunting and other prehistoric stuff, like building huts made out of logs and bits of mud, and building fires.   That’s all, really, that these people seem to do.

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The hunting tribe finds a young girl with strange blue eyes who is the last of her tribe.   Her tribe and family were slaughtered by some mysterious dudes on horses, so this can’t bode well for anyone else.   The old woman instructs the tribe that the blue eyed girl will help fulfill a great prophecy and that she is very important.

This is where the real set of problems begins.

The story centers around Evolet – the blue-eyed girl – and D’Leh, a hunter in the tribe who fall in love with one another.   This is where I start to question someone’s rational thought process.

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These people do not look prehistoric.

They look like homeless rastafarians.

This is where this movie fails miserably.   The basic principle of a large, grandiose epic like this is kind of a big sham.   No one goes to see these kinds of movies for the historical accuracy, but people want to feel like they’ve witnessed something vaguely historically accurate.   Take Gladiator, for instance.   There’s a lot of historically wrong stuff there, but that’s not necessarily the point.  It feels real and the story is good.   People pay to see these movies in large part to be deceived.

If you can’t even manage to deceive your audience for one moment…that’s kind of sad.

There’s just some things my brain can’t take, like the concept of pyramids built by woolly mammoths.   Yeah, there’s that.   Then there’s the stupidly trite love story; Evolet is kidnapped by the same guys that killed her family, and D’Leh is forced to save her.  It’s a gaping mess.   The story doesn’t keep you focused because from the first scenes, you already know how D’Leh and Evolet’s story will end.  Not even the computer trickery lends a hand here, because the filmmakers have thrown such an odd, random assortment of crap at you that you can tell it’s crap, no matter how stylized and glitzy it is.

It’s preposterous.   D’Leh and Evolet aren’t simple prehistoric folk; they’re merely cardboard cutouts of simple prehistoric folk, and even the most uncaring viewer can sense that.

It’s an absurd mess of a movie which is only capitalized by the fact that when you think about it, the worst of the worst that I’ve seen on here has been made for mere pittances.  This is an overblown, under-thought piece of egotistical insanity that cost millions and millions of dollars.

The pittance films I can excuse.  In an industry that watches the bottom line on films, you really have to wonder how a large group of people seriously thought this was an excellent movie to make.   What’s more depressing is that people sunk money hand over fist into this, enough money that would constitute a Powerball jackpot and for what?

Woolly mammoths and Camilla Belle dazedly dragging her rear end through scenes, complete with extreme CGI dinosaurs and sabretooth tigers.

I feel a little sad and empty inside.

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Alright, here’s the deal: I’m out of my swanky blogging office until Monday.

In the meantime, Reader’s Choice is back, but with a new theme this time around: worst movies ever. What can I say? After the punishing week I’ve had, I’m feeling exceptionally masochistic.

November 1 is the date I’m shooting for to start all this, so spread the word and hop on board. All you have to do is drop me a comment here with the movies you think are the worst EVER and I’ll queue ’em up and gladly sit through them.

I may need a crash helmet, a mouthguard and pharmaceuticals to make it through all this, but you never know.

EDIT: Here are the list of movies so far:

  • Ax’Em
  • Midnight Skater
  • Camp Slaughter
  • Grizzly Rage
  • The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie
  • Manos: Hands of Fate
  • The Wicker Man
  • Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
  • Emma
  • Armageddon
  • The Fast and the Furious
  • 10,000 BC
  • BMX Bandits
  • Alien vs. Predator
  • Domino
  • Gigli
  • I Know Who Killed Me
  • Planet of the Apes (Remake)
  • The Number 23
  • 88 Minutes
  • Meet The Spartans
  • Untraceable
  • Jack Frost 2
  • Fear of Clowns
  • Roger Corman’s Fantastic Four
  • Superman 3
  • Superman 4 (Ed. Note: There was a Superman 4?!)
  • Leonard Part 6
  • Adam & Evil
  • Rodentz
  • Santa’s Slay
  • Bratz: The Movie
  • Super Sweet 16: The Movie
  • Troll 2
  • House of the Dead
  • Alone In The Dark

ADDITIONAL EDIT:

  • Glitter
  • Captain America (1990)
  • Comanche Blanco
  • The Punisher (Dolph Lundgren version)
  • Just My Luck
  • Eragon
  • Begotten
  • The Wedding Date


HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS! I am blown away.

You’ve got until November 1, so keep submitting. If you’re wondering how I’m planning on getting through all that, well, I’ll just chain myself to my computer and upgrade my Netflix plan.

And just for fun: whoever submits the movie I deem the worst gets a prize. What kind of prize, I don’t know, but you’ll get something. Like, something Caitlin has to mail to you.

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