Archive for May, 2009

All the movies I need to see in theaters between now and December 31st, 2009:

That’s just the ones I really, really want to see.   I know I’ll end up seeing others.    I, uh, just wish I had some sort of theater discount right now.   That would be … great.

Did I miss anything?

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Is The Great White Dope.  Yes, you, sir — you have won a copy of Speed with the Almighty Saint Keanu.

I’ll be sending you an e-mail shortly…

May giveaway to be announced halfway through the month as something wonderous is hitting DVD at about the half-month mark.

(Also, the last Worst Movie Ever winner?   Haven’t forgotten about you, I’ve just been delayed dropping yours in the mail…)

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No reviews tonight.  I’ve actually watched a fair amount of movies lately; Australia, Mr. Hobbs Takes A Vacation and other rewatches, but I haven’t had the bug to write them up.   Honest to God, I don’t know when I’d get the time to sit down and take notes on Australia.  Sucker is long.

So instead you get a mish-mash today of links and pretty pictures, as I try to get back into the swing of updating regularly.

Brief self-serving promotion:   You should follow me on Twitter.

Since I was just talking about Deadpool, here’s a hilarious Marvel/DC video – Deadpool and Watchmen:

I don’t know what kills me more; “I’m a Marvel – WHOA!” or the idea of a Rorschach/Deadpool sitcom.   Yes, it is funny and yes, you should watch it now.   I may have watched it multiple times and giggled like a freak every time.

New G.I. Joe trailer: Look, we all know by now this movie will be made of sweet cracky suck, but behold, Christopher Eccleston (the man will be a Hot Old Man Of The Month one of these months, I swear).   That cheesy effect of the Eiffel Tower degrading/falling over must not be the most insane thing in the movie for them to put it in the trailer.   I, uh, have no excuses for wanting to see this hot mess.

Slashfilm has new Inglourious Basterds posters for Pitt & Roth: Screw Brad Pitt, let’s look at ELI ROTH.


I smell bad, bad Photoshop.   What in the name of sweet hell is going on with his face in that picture?   It’s like he’s a Ken doll.   Did they airbrush that scruff on?  Did they hire the guy who did the Zombie Wax Liam Neeson Taken poster to do this one?

New Star Trek Pictures: I wasn’t too excited for Star Trek originally; I know, that’s geek heresy and I deserve to be interrogated by a Klingon inquisitor or something.    After looking at these and hearing an early review from a friend, I’m ready to go see Star Trek. I’m taking my Star Trek loving mom for Mother’s Day to see this one.

Blah Blah Blah Blah District 9 Trailer: Consider me underwhelmed.  So underwhelmed, I might catch it on basic cable five years from now.

Final Girl talks about sucky ’89 horror: Say what you will, but I LOVES me some Deep Star Six.  Miguel Ferrer!   Mutant monster things!   I watched it a lot when I was a kid.   That, and The Abyss, I think, are my earliest childhood memories of underwater “monster” movies (let’s not get all cranky about The Abyss being a monster movie now, you know what I mean).

Jason from Invasion of the B Movies is writing a book. Which is awesome, and that’s pretty much all I gotta say about that.

Now, who can outgeek each other in the comments section, hmm?

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Jason Isaacs!


This dude made an evil British army officer sympathetic in a sick way to a lot of American ladies, yes?   And how is it that he is so effing handsome in every movie that he’s in?   HOW?   I don’t know.   Recommendation:  If you haven’t seen Showtime’s Brotherhood,  you should, because Mr. Isaacs is wonderful in it.

He’s Lucius Malfoy!   He was also quite yummy in Event Horizon, which I like even though the rest of the known world hates it.   He’s nice as the good guy, but I think we can all agree that his voice, that eyebrow and the whole package are nice as a villain, hmm?   (He plays the best villains, yes.)

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X-Men Origins:  Wolverine should’ve been an easy movie to make.   The story of Wolverine was already written down as a whole comic, so it’s not like the filmmakers/screenwriters had any lack of material here.   This is not something incredibly difficult.   This should’ve been a hole-in-one.  Instead, it turned out like some people were competing to make one of the worst superhero movies ever.

No, I don’t use the “ever” term lightly; Daredevil‘s non-director’s cut, The Punisher and shit, even The Shadow were better plotted out than Wolverine.   Watching the Wolverine movie was like watching a few hours of WHAT-IN-THE-HOLY-FUCK strung together.

The movie begins with young James and young Victor Creed – James’ father is killed by Creed’s father and this is where James discovers he’s a mutant.   Enraged by the death of his dad, James pops a pair of nasty looking bone claws and kills Creed’s father, only to discover Creed’s father is his real dad.  Victor and James scamper off, and the most well-done sequence of the film is a montage of James and Victor throughout the years, fighting in every major war since the late 1800’s.

After a nasty fight that takes out their commanding officer in Vietnam, the two are court-martialed and sentenced to death.   It’s too bad that both of them have insane healing factors, so – as James puts it – the sentence “doesn’t take”.   William Stryker shows up, offering them a chance at redemption because of their special talents.   They accept but it’s not long before James has a change of heart.

The team Stryker assembles is comprised of Wraith, a shapeshifter; Deadpool, a smart-mouthed sword-wielder; Agent Zero, a master gunman who never misses; Fred Dukes, a guy who can punch things really hard; Beak, an electrical manipulator and of course, Victor and James.  When Stryker carries a mission too far and when Victor’s enjoyment of bloodthirsty killing is brought the forefront, James leaves.   He adopts the name Logan, settles in the Canadian Rockies with Kayla Silverfox and builds a new life.   When the team is slowly being killed off, one by one, Stryker shows back up to end his happy homelife.


There are so many problems with this movie that I almost don’t know where to start.

Special Effects:   They’re so bad they’re laughable.   Most of the movie is has terrible CGI to the point that it’s almost distracting to watch.   A friend of mine commented on the explosions as being like “everything that blew up had explosive ordinance in it”.   While I give action movies a lot of leeway on this sort of thing, Wolverine‘s special effects are ridiculous for 99% of the movie.   A scene at Three Mile Island is so bad, I could see people in the theater throwing their hands up in frustration.  (I was, too.)


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