Summer is upon us, which means barbecues, skin-melting sunshine (if you live in my area of the woods) and blockbuster flicks. Since it’s that time of year, the impending release of Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen or whatever the subtitle is has film nerds in a tizzy. Why, in the words of the South Park creators, does Michael Bay get to keep on making movies? We ask this as we stand in line for a Michael Bay movie.
What is it about Bay movies that keeps us coming back for more? Are we cinema masochists? If you think about it, every Bay movie figuratively punches you in the face, defying you to think about things like “logic”, “plot” and “common sense”. It can’t be the Academy Award worthy acting and directing, can it?
No. And it wasn’t until Younger Sister told me about this that I realized even as we make fun of Michael Bay, it’s this one thing that makes us come to the fount of stupid again and again and again:
Genius. Inspired. Totally true! Michael Bay’s Explosions might be the movie we’ve all waited to see from him.
Truly, it feels like things involving character development are so boring to Bay. Watch him try and direct scenes with only humans. You’ll see what I mean. Then watch a Michael Bay explosion scene. Every shot is lovingly crafted, with shrapnel flying full force. Each fireball is carefully filmed and cars careen into the air with reckless abandon. Sure, Michael Bay will scorch entire city blocks, operate with complete disregard for environmental rules and laws, and think nothing of torching $2 million + worth of equipment, but at the end of the day, he either gets the shot… or he gets the best shot that CGI will allow.
Not everyone can be Francis Ford Coppola. Let’s face it, if you do one thing well, you should really focus on that, right? And God has seen fit to give Michael Bay the extraordinary gift of destroying aircraft carriers and putting it on film, shouldn’t you utilize that gift in the best possible way?
I mean, if God said, “Son, go forth and BLOW SHIT UP,” well, yeah, I’d be right on that.
However, Michael’s just been picking the wrong movies to do. Transformers? Look, I know we routinely appeal to the “lowest common denominator” here in America, but even slack-jawed snopses will eventually get tired of GIGANTIC ALIEN ROBOTS BLOWING SHIT UP. This will probably happen sometime after Transformers Part V: Optimus Prime’s Revenge. Let’s face it, Michael needs a project that caters to his special needs.
It has to be something amazing. It has to be something that is simple in the plot and character department, featuring huge explosions and next to no logic and/or common sense. It has to be something that will enable him to have hundreds of fireballs and all sorts of vehicles exploding. Someone, somewhere will have to detonate some C4 in a fighter jet, perhaps.
Well, I have just the thing. And Mr. Bay? You can have my idea for free. I just want to see the epic masterpiece you’d make out of…
Give him Richard Dean Anderson, a matchstick, a piece of gum, a toilet paper holder and $250 million and Bay could make all our nightmares dreams come true.