“The dead are losers!”
Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things is…well…it’s lame. Look, I know it’s unpopular to some extent. It’s viewed as a cult classic by a lot of fellow horror geeks but goddamn, is it ever boring.
A theater troupe goes to a local island to mess around, be overly melodramatic and dig up some corpses (said island is practically a huge graveyard). The troupe leader, Alan, is a pompous asshole. He orders people around, speaks haughtily and generally overdramatizes everything going on around him. When the rest of the theater troupe isn’t snarkily mocking him, they’re standing around like lumps on a log, stuck on some island in the middle of the night.
Alan has brought the troupe out to the island to perform an archaic ritual to wake the dead. The troupe’s unaware that his real plan is to play a practical joke on the group by scaring the hell out of them with a group member playing the part of a reanimated corpse. It’s just too bad for Alan, then, that the corpses do reanimate and come back to life, wreaking havoc on the living.
Not that bad, huh? It normally wouldn’t be, except for the fact that Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things is so, so slow to get everything started. You’re mainly treated to an hour of Alan running around acting like a megalomaniacal jackass while the other folks stand around rolling their eyes. That gets old, fast.
The zombie scenes aren’t too bad but it’s little payoff for a lot of work on the viewer’s part.
And Alan looks like Charlie Manson, which is creepy and not in a good way.
I was so happy to drop it back in the mail, too. Boo, hiss, Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. I had hope for better things than I got.