It’s a movie about time-traveling, mutated turtles well versed in martial arts. They have a rat for a sensei and Elias Koteas, who carries the disease known as “If-I’m-in-a-movie-it-will-suckitis”, as a friend. They travel to feudal Japan and help restore peace to a region of the country. They deal in bad action scenes, bad hair and bad jokes.
I feel like I just strapped on some jelly sandals with some clashing day-glo clothes, teased my hair and went out in public…and promptly hit on someone. Does that make sense? Do I care?
Watching this gives you the distinct feeling of uncomfortable nostalgia mixed with the discomfort of feeling like someone was hitting the crack pipe pretty hard during the conceptual stage of this.
I just watched a sequel to a freakin’ Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. I thought it ended badly with Vanilla Ice rapping about kinesthetically-gifted giant reptilians in Part II, but um… no.
And if you’ll excuse me, I have a bottle that’s calling my name.