When one of my friends found out I was doing Moonraker, he said (and I paraphrase): “I love James Bond but I don’t even own that piece of shit, Caitlin”. Praise, indeed!
The nominators for this one were the sisters Pookie and Schnookie, who have long James Bond marathons and enjoy such things as Murder, She Wrote and quilting, so you know we get along well. I was warned in advance that this was awful. I believe there were some admonishments about how none of Bond’s quips even make sense given the situation at hand, but nothing, really, can truly prepare you for the cataclysmic ineptitude that is Moonraker.
There’s no real use in summarizing the plot since every James Bond movie has the same plot for the most part. In this one, Bond must stop the villain Hugo Drax from doing something villanous involving outer space. He must battle Hugo Drax’s feared henchman Jaws and Bond’s contractually obligated to have sex with a couple of pretty girls who have vaguely pornographic names, too. In theory, it’s hard to completely fuck up the premise of Bond. He uses some gadgets, drives a cool car, gets laid and bests the baddie. If you’ve seen one…
Moonraker, however, is in a league of its own due ot the fact that nearly every aspect of it is shitty. Hugo Drax, the villain, is so bland that I didn’t even bother to take a screencap of him. His dullard henchman is more interesting than he is.
Jaws is a simple fellow who likes to bite things with his metal teeth, stand around being intimdating and generally walking around with a big smirk on his face. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the mark of a great Bond villain.
Oh, except for the fact that Jaws turns “good” in the end…for love.
The man just runs around and bites things and is a strong freak, okay? That’s all he does, right up until the very end. How memorable.
Every Bond movie has a great action scene. Even this one! Just replace “great” with a liberal dose of “what in the sweet hell” and you’ve got this one. Now, when a girl thinks of James Bond, her mind springs to tuxedos and martinis and Aston Martins. What are you to do if James Bond is in Venice? Shit, y’all, I don’t know if you’ve heard but they’ve got these fancy waterways in Venice and I don’t think you can drive an Aston Martin on those. What’s the sexiest watercraft you can put James Bond in?
If you guessed an inflatable gondola, then spin the wheel again. You know, nothing is best paired with a sexy, suave secret agent like a gondola that can inflate to travel on land. Thankfully, the producers ran out of time to enter James Bond in the annual Red Bull Flugtag, which is equally as lust-inducing as the gondola above:
Ah, but the final scenes have to be better, no? Bond triumphs over evil, all is right with the world and we get a satisfying quip at the end. Too bad they’re on a space station where the dialogue is as recycled as the suits they’re all wearing, which were made out of latex gloves, I think.
Costume designers of the world: you have a very difficult job. Not so difficult, however, that I don’t think we can’t dream up some futuristic space outfits that look like you’re going to be brined like poultry in short order.
What kills me on Moonraker isn’t the absurd plot, the terrible costumes, the puns or the ridiculous aspect of it all. That’s to be expected from any James Bond movie, if I’m being honest. No, the devil is in the details, as they say, and my god, did someone overlook some damn details.
This may be picky but I don’t want to know the snake is fake. When Bond is attacked by a feisty boa constrictor on a sojourn to Rio de Janeiro, the director lovingly shoots the vicious struggle between man and snake all up close and personal. A note to the director: when you shoot that close, it only makes it woefully obvious that the snake is not even a damn puppet. It’s one of those cheap toys you win at a carnival.
At the end of the movie, Drax’s plan to create a race of superawesome people in space is – drats! – totally foiled. When James blows him out of an airlock into outer space, he drawls, “He had to fly”. At least that’s what my subtitles say.
My response to this was fairly indicative of my response to the entire movie:
“What the hell kind of drugs are you smoking, nitwit? This doesn’t even make sense! What in the holy fuckery fuck is going on – this is outer space. THERE IS NO FLYING IN OUTER SPACE.”
I think booze might be needed in order to enjoy Moonraker. I’m thinking screwdrivers or Bloody Marys, in case you want to man up and pop this one in your DVD player.
1416 and Counting 
*erupts in twitches*
Uggggggghhhh Moonraker. I think I’ve seen half an hour of it and that was far too much. I’m glad to know I didn’t miss anything good by turning it off. =P I generally love Bond movies, as well, but Roger Moore is in some of the worst. (Seriously, I love how they replaced Connery with an actor OLDER than he was. Smooth move.)
I’ll probably end up watching all of it sometime . . . *sigh*
Uggggggghhhh Moonraker. I think I’ve seen half an hour of it and that was far too much.
Honestly, it took me two sittings – because believe me, when it drags, it DRAGS. Badly. In the worst way.
I am no Bond aficianado, but Roger Moore’s Bond movies have always driven me off by mere premise. And I vastly prefer anyone else as Bond to him. (Sorry, Mr. Moore. You tried your best!)
You at least owe it to yourself to see the full, wanky thing. The Star Wars-esque astronaut laser fight at the end is worth it – that and the pun at the end, “I think he’s attempting re-entry, sir!” – makes it almost worth sitting through it.
Uh, am I the only one who likes it?
Maybe it was because I saw it theatrically as a kid, but I watched it again not too long ago and still thought it was fun.
At least it was better than the Dalton years.
Maybe it was because I saw it theatrically as a kid, but I watched it again not too long ago and still thought it was fun.
I have no idea if childhood memories have anything to do with it… I think you’re the first person I’ve ever heard of that’s liked it!
I just found it to drag, bore and alternately stun with ridiculousness. (Then again, by admission, I am not a James Bond fan. I like the movies alright, but I’m not in love with the idea of James Bond, either.)
Huzzah! I’m so glad you watched this and it didn’t get a “Wait, this wasn’t THAT awful!” review. Heh.
I just found it to drag, bore and alternately stun with ridiculousness.
That’s pretty much the best summary of the sensation of watching “Moonraker”. What killed me was the mash-up of “other genres are more popular right now than Bond is!” desperation scenes. Like, what was with the random spaghetti western moment, with the “Magnificent Seven” theme, when Bond rode, in full poncho-ed glory, to the British Secret Service headquarters… in the Pampas? What even happened to the lady astronaut after they were kidnapped in the ambulance and Bond escaped (in a slow-moving “action” sequence), but left her behind? Why did that hovercraft gondola sequence even happen? We SERIOUSLY considered doing a diary of “Moonraker” for IPB, but ultimately decided it needed WAY too much explanation.
And really, I love Roger Moore. He’s my favorite Bond. The more ridiculous the better, I say. Which is very telling how terrible “Moonraker” is that even with that approach to Bond, I still find it unwatchable.
We SERIOUSLY considered doing a diary of “Moonraker” for IPB, but ultimately decided it needed WAY too much explanation.
There’s too much what-the-fuckery in it! Too much to handle. Honestly, I think my brain broke around the spaghetti western part. Roger Moore looks so uncomfortable there.
Also, just every Rio de Janeiro scene EVER makes my head hurt. The part where Jaws corners the one girl in the alley during Carnival? All he does is pick her up and swing her around! What the hell!? Jaws, you are the worst henchman ever!
Yay! A Moonraker review! WOOOOO!!! I am sorry you had to sit through this, Caitlin, but… WOOOOO!!! Roger Moore is BY FAR my favorite Bond (notice I didn’t say “the best Bond”) because his movies are the most ridiculously silly. “The Spy Who Loved Me” is my favoritest because he gets to ski in front of a bluescreen wearing a little yellow ski cap with a big pompom on it. I mean, that’s just hawt.
My first Bond marathon was in high school when I was a summer intern at the local university’s theater program. So I was hanging out with college kids and feeling all cool, and they decided to have a Bond marathon all summer. We’d watch two movies a night, starting at 1 am or so. I’d get about 20 minutes in and then fall asleep. I’d wake up 30 minutes later, catch 10 minutes and then fall asleep again. I could never tell when one movie ended and the next began. Now my judge of a good Bond movie is when I stay awake through the whole thing but still feel like I fell asleep for 20 minutes. Like, say, when the scene shifts from Venice to the Pampas with no explanation.
The part where Jaws corners the one girl in the alley during Carnival? All he does is pick her up and swing her around! What the hell!? Jaws, you are the worst henchman ever!
Oh my god! EXACTLY! For all that the Dalton Era Bond movies are so maligned, they at least brought the action sequences into the modern age. My favorite thing about the earlier Bond movies is how slow-moving all the action sequences are. And Jaws standing there in that alley, swinging the woman around and sort of just hovering menacingly for ages and ages and ages as we ponder him biting her face off, then start to wonder whether we left the oven on, then start to mentally calculate our taxes… well, that’s pretty much Early Bond in a nutshell.
he gets to ski in front of a bluescreen wearing a little yellow ski cap with a big pompom on it. I mean, that’s just hawt.
There’s no emoticon sufficient to portray my face at the moment. I have a combination of feelings at the moment: shock, horror and the faintest trace of … amusement.
Like, say, when the scene shifts from Venice to the Pampas with no explanation.
You know, I was too hung up on the whole ‘inflatable gondola’ thing to notice that there was no explanation for the Pampas shift. I think they were counting on that. “We have no way to properly explain how good old JB gets from A to B! Shit, let’s just throw something nonsensical at them, that’ll get ’em good and confused!”
(I am shocked Clint Eastwood didn’t show up on set and beat his Good, Bad & The Ugly costume right off Roger Moore.)
well, that’s pretty much Early Bond in a nutshell.
Or an exciting race in gondolas in which everyone is going approximately 2.5 miles an hour. Face, meet palm, please.
The thing that gets me about Jaws is that he’s such a weirdo. I mean, he smiles! About everything! It seems like he’d punch you in the kidneys and then present you daisies and ask if you’d like to be best friends. (His girlfriend at the end freaks me out, too.)
Jaws is a lot less friendly in “The Spy Who Loved Me”. He’s just pure evil henchman in that one. “Moonraker” was obviously much more interested in his camp appeal. *Shakes head sadly* What a waste. (That said, I love the Ovechkin-as-Jaws photoshops on Pensblog. Heh. They are really separated at birth, aren’t they? :P)
My favorite action sequence involving Jaws is in “The Spy Who Loved Me”. For some reason, Bond and Jaws are both at the Great Pyramid at night while there’s some fancy light show and lecture going on for the tourists. I think Jaws is supposed to be chasing Bond, and Bond is supposed to be running from Jaws, but instead what we get is this:
Wide shot of pyramids, lit up green and red.
Voice over of lecturer: The Pyramids…
Dramatic music.
Close-up shot of Jaws standing still.
Dramatic music.
Close-up shot of Bond standing still.
Wide shot of pyramids, lit up red and green.
Same close-up shot of Jaws standing still.
Same close-up shot of Bond standing still.
Voice over: The Pyramids…
It’s AWESOME! Best action sequence EVER!
BTW. Mythbusters had a Bond episode not too long ago, and prooved that a man with metal jaws can not bite through a ski lift cable.
Totally ruined the flick for me…