Archive for March 11th, 2009

Look, I have my limits, okay?   Uwe Boll just pushes me too far.


Every time I try to put coherent thoughts down about Alone in the Dark, I fail.   If you have seen a Uwe Boll movie, then you have an inkling of what’s in store for you.   If not, then this movie should have the subheading “ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO PUT THIS IN YOUR DVD PLAYER”.

I’m sure that given a few years and a mindwipe, I could cobble together something about how Stephen Dorff can’t even play a parody of himself.  I could probably work together a theory on why Uwe Boll makes movies that suck so much they’re not even the kind of bad movie you can pop in on a Friday night and laugh.    I could even, maybe, write a passionate argument about how Tara Reid’s not stupid, she’s just not a good actress and that’s what makes her look awful as an archaeologist (along with a god-awful script).    I actually feel bad for Tara Reid.  Sigh.

All of it, I could do – were it not for the worst sex scene I have ever had the distinct displeasure of seeing in a motion picture.   My eyes did not want to drink in the sight of a bloated, stubble-covered Christian Slater, looking half miserable and half depressed as Tara Reid shucks her clothes.   Watching the two wriggle under atrocious lighting with an untalented director to bring us something that resembles a facsimile of sex may render you unable to speak.  And oh, Jesus, the sounds.  I don’t know that I can ever forget it.   This is the second time I’ve watched it.   The scene is so bad I have the urge to get up and leave the room.
That’s when all thoughts of comprehensive analysis leave my brain.

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Déja vu.


When I was doing a little digging on the ‘net for general cast information about Eragon, I noticed that a lot of people seem to be mentioning that it’s a a blatant Star Wars ripoff. To some extent, that’s true, but Star Wars in and of itself rips off a lot of myths, so take that for what it’s worth.

I feel compelled to inform you in the interest of integrity that I am not a fan of dragon movies.
Now that pesky integrity thing is out of the way, I’d like to offer up that I am not enthralled by Eragon. There is nothing about dragons and fantasy flicks in general that has ever entertained or amused me. This movie is not the exception to the rule either. It’s a hodgepodge of fantasy movie plots and mythology. It’s not inventive or anything new.

Eragon moves like a highlight reel at a fantasy convention and I get the sense that maybe that’s not what the fine people who made it were looking for. Story wise, though, it’s on solid footing and it at least makes sense.

Eragon is a poor farm boy who was abandoned by his mother. He finds a stone in the woods one day that hatches into a dragon. When the dragon accepts him as a rider, all hell breaks loose. In the days of old, there used to be dragon riders until one of them got some no-good aspirations into his head and became a king. His name is Galbatorix, which only made me think of some sort of intergalactic Star Trek villain. Who plays Galbatorix?
You know John Malkovich took this one to pay off his house or something. In fact, he’s not the only famous person slumming it in this one. I don’t know what the hell was going on with this flick, but some really well-respected actors lined up for decent pay with little work.
Galbatorix isn’t too happy about another dragon rider to be called, so he puts his faithful servant on the job of finding the last remaining dragon rider. Galbatorix made sure every dragon rider was gone, or so he thought.
If I weren’t so familiar with Robert Carlyle’s crazy ass, I never would have recognized him. This is some “Robert Carlyle goes to the Renaissance Faire” kind of bullshit going on here, if Robert Carlyle let his Dead Can Dance-listening girlfriend dye his hair with Manic Panic. Watching Robert Carlyle smarm his way through this is ghastly and painful. I suspect it would be a lot like how I would feel if I were ever dragged to a Renaissance Faire, come to think of it.

Eragon’s family is killed while Robert Carlyle searches for him, but a helpful mentor named Brom shows up and lends a hand to Eragon’s survival with a little persuasion. Thus they must travel to a stronghold of resistance in order to mount the forces necessary to defeat Galbatorix and essentially save Eragon’s life.

Brom is the best thing about this movie mainly because he’s played by a hot old man we all know and love named Jeremy Irons.

Besides being handsome, what I love most about Jeremy Irons in this movie is that he practically walks though every scene with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face. It’s a smile that says, “This turkey is paying for my new car and my kid’s college education, so I might as well ham it up while I have the chance”. Thanks, Jeremy. He’s the one bright spot in a drab flick. Plus, he’s the kind of hotness that makes you want to lick your television screen. That would be a good idea, except not – all you’re left with is a tongue coated with the taste of bitter disappointment and dust.
Ed Speelers is the kid who plays Eragon. I don’t know how I feel about him. He’s awful, awful, awful. He could have been replaced in half the movie by a mannequin and it would have been alright. He takes what should be a standard character and makes him either obnoxious, tedious or monotonous.
And Djimon Hounsou showed up to collect a paycheck, I see…
So did Garrett Hedlund. Ouch.
Eragon isn’t a movie that makes a viewer claw their eyes out; it’s a movie that bores the viewer right to sleep.

How lame is that?

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