There’s so many questions for tonight. Will we see a new and exciting Oscar broadcast? Will there be any surprises? More importantly, will we see Hugh Jackman shirtless? Deep, meaningful questions, you know.
Right now, they’re running the red carpet so as soon as the actual ceremony starts, I’ll be blogging with updates at every commercial break, so there you go.
My reviews of the Best Picture Nominees will be up shortly as I have just now fully recovered from sitting in a theater all day yesterday, but I have to say thanks to the great AMC people who let me and Ajay attend yesterday. Thanks, guys!
And in case you’re wondering, the nasty sinus infection I have is not doing anything but exacerbating my natural combination of cynicism and sarcasm.
7:30: Duly impressed by the curtain that seems to be made entirely out of diamonds. They probably had Kate Winslet and Leonardo DiCaprio back stage weaving that in exchange for the two finally getting a damn Oscar.
7:37: Hugh Jackman is knocking out a powerful musical number surrounded by sets that look purposely constructed from salvage yard materials. Poor Hugh Jackman. He’s not a great singer but you can tell he’s hearkening back to Billy Crystal. Incidentally, he does sing better than Billy Crystal, that’s for sure.
7:39: Hugh is talking to Mickey Rourke and holy shit, does Mickey look like an ex-pat drug dealer from Tijuana? WHAT IS UP WITH THAT SILVER FRONT TOOTH, Mickey Roarke? You crazy, crazy man.
7:42: Woah, they brought back Tilda Swinton, Eva Marie Saint, Whoopie Goldbert, Goldie Hawn and Anjelica Huston for this award? Tilda, incidentally looks fiercely amazing, even though she’s wearing a knotted up flour sack. With lipstick.
Also, I love that they wrote a Sister Act joke for Whoopie Goldberg…but the ass-kissing overkill that each lady is introducing is eyerolling. “Love is timeless”, eh, Goldie Hawn? Yeah, no shit.
Cruz wins the award for Vicky Cristina Barcelona…I have no comment. I hate Woody Allen films. Yeah, go ahead, eviscerate me in the comments. I HATE WOODY ALLEN AND I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED. But Cruz is pretty sweet.
7:53: Tina Fey and Steve Martin for original screenplay and Tina, Tina, Tina. It’s so uncouth to look so smug. Nice dig at Scientology there, Steve and Tina… as they talk about an alien race responsible for life on earth.
7:56: Poor In Bruges. Dustin Lance Black wins for Milk, which admittedly was excellent, but it’s a shame to see In Bruges ignored. Brown’s speech is nice but awkward. I’m sure there’s some Hollywood Republicans leaning uncomfortably on their hands…
7:59: Adapted Screenplay: Slumdog takes it, and you have to wonder if there wasn’t some pretty good odds on that… Yawn. After having seen Slumdog, I acknowledge that it was good. I also acknowledge that 99% of the insane fanwank has got to stop.
8:03: After years of watching the Academy Awards, the really tired jokes are even more tired. Can we just chill out, Academy writers? And as they roll the Academy Animation montage, I have to say, you know Wall-E is cuter than the Brangelina clan…combined.
8:06: Best Animated: Wall-E, duh. Talk about a total lack of suspense. They’re going to have to rename that award the “Pixar Academy Award for Animation”.
8:08: Animated Short Film: La Maison en Petits Cubes. Uh…erm…uh…moving on. Ooh wait, the Japanese guy accepting his award is totally awkward and then saves it with a quick Japanese riff that everyone loves. “Domo arigato”.
8:15: Sarah Jessica Parker and Daniel Craig for Art Direction and Craig looks nice, but Parker’s breasts are seriously distracting. Did she form those up with a melon baller, or what? I don’t remember her having those, that’s for sure.
Award goes to Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which was um…obvious. So far, has anyone not seen these winners coming from miles away?
I don’t even have any snark for this. Just a lobotomized “durrrrrrrr”.
Shockingly, the Art Direction winners kiss some serious David Fincher ass. Dear God in heaven, you’d think they were about to canonize David Fincher as a saint. Isn’t the guy supposed to be a raging asshole?
8:19: Costume Design: The Duchess. Pretty old English people with problems, right?
8:23: Daniel Craig is so…reserved tonight. As if he knows that he’s totally there to be eye candy. Seen and not heard. Best Makeup goes to Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Another “duh”.
8:25: A collective scream just went up across America because OMG EDWARD CULLEN IS PRESENTING AT THE OSCARS. The next sound you hear is women falling over in ecstasy. At least someone made Pattinson wash his face and brush his teeth.
OH LORD, you guys – they totally did put Twilight in the Romance movie montage this year. That is…oh, that feels wrong. Wrong.
8:31: Ben Stiller comes out clearly parodying Joaquin Phoenix. OH DAMN, NATALIE PORTMAN FOR THE WIN: “You look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab”. Eff yes, Portman. They’re presenting Best Cinematography. Well, Portman presents while Stiller wanders around the stage aimlessly. Slumdog takes it and now I’m suddenly regretting that I at least didn’t put a fifty or so on Academy betting.
Good Lord, the man that won for Slumdog really needs some hair help…because damn. Your hair should not look like my Pekingnese’s ears do when he gest excited or inquisitive…nor should it look like you should be able to take off at any moment and fly to Mumbai should it strike your fancy. With your hair.
8:45: The Judd Apatow short with James Franco and Seth Rogan was shockingly…funny. And go Janusch – the cinematographer. Short film: A German short film about Nazis.
I will say this, it’s nice that the conductors don’t cut people off on this broadcast. Dear God, the conductors are irritating.
8:53: Hugh Jackman does a musical number that’s very old Hollywood and then Beyonce appears. Is it just me, or does she look like she’s lip-synching? Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens appear, which is kind of…such a buzzkill. Amanda Seyfried and the dude from Mamma Mia! show up. I don’t know how I feel about all this.
9:03: OH MY GOD, CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IS HERE. CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. Damn, I love that man. They’re presenting Best Supporting Actor and holy God, Philip Seymour Hoffman looks like… I don’t know. The man looks rough. What is with that hat? Cuba Gooding, Jr. is back and he’s talking up Robert Downey, Jr. Cuba looks sad. Cuba looks like has no career.
AND HERE WE GO WITH CRAZY CHRISTOPHER WALKEN. Holy SHIT. He’s got this weirdo ear length hair rocking and his eyes are appropriately Chris-Walken-Crazy.
Kevin Kline gets the dubious honor of talking about Ledger’s role in The Dark Knight. Kline of course adds some seriously heavy gravitas.
Winner: Heath Ledger, natch. Ledger’s family is on hand to accept the award. Sean Penn looks like he’s about to burst into tears at any moment, so…this is awkward. The camera zooms in on people looking appropriately depressed in the audience and then they focus on Adrien Brody, who looks like a homeless version of Jesus. Poor Heath Ledger’s family: they give a nice round of speeches, but it’s kind of ruined by all the zooms of people getting teary for Ledger in the audience. Famous people: They’re sad, just like you!
9:13: Who the hell did Bill Maher kill to present at the Oscars?
Bill Maher is wearing a suit that looks like it was made from a scuba suit. Also, his speech about Religulous not being nominated and about gods being “silly” just strike me as arrogant and rude. Well, there goes any further invitations to the Oscars…
Oscar goes to Man on Wire for Best Documentary and I have to say, this James Marsh (the director) fellow is darkly attractive. Some dude makes a coin disappear and then balances his Oscar on his chin. Between the musical numbers, the magic tricks and the cheap jokes, this is turning more and more into the local high school’s talent show.
Uh, I have to say…this is actually turning out to be a decent Academy Awards. It’s getting harder to snark on this stuff.
9:26: Will Smith is talking about action movies. Of course Will Smith loves action movies. Will Smith wouldn’t have had much of a career if it hadn’t been for stuff like Independence Day. Academy Award for Special Effects: Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Yawn. At least we’re getting the technical awards out of the way first.
Sound Editing: The Dark Knight. Man, I’m going to go into a coma if all this predictability keeps up.
Sound mixing: Slumdog, accepted by an Indian sound mixer who declares that the Academy has made history. Well, go India!
9:44: Jerry Lewis: Whatever. I cannot stand Jerry Lewis, so good for you Jerry, but get off the stage quick.
10:07: Okay, I’ve missed some. I’ve been playing the “Where Is Caitlin’s Wallet?” game around my abode and in case you’re wondering, I still haven’t found it.
10:10: Queen Latifah runs the “In Memoriam” montage. The direction on this is terrible. We should not be watching Queen Latifah singing while you get a small shot of the montage running. Cyd Charisse deserves better, Academy, and that is sincerely disappointing.
Paul Newman gets huge cheers, though.
Fun fact about me: My mother named me after hearing the name in a Paul Newman movie. The movie was The Verdict, incidentally.
10:18: Reese Witherspoon comes out to present Best Director. Twenty on Danny Boyle, I guess. And here I was right…Danny Boyle wins. I would have rather seen Gus Van Sant take it, but I suppose his time will come too. Danny Boyle begins jumping like Tigger and says its for his kids. He asskisses the Academy’s production really quickly and…yawn. “You dwarf even this guy,” Mumbai, according to Danny Boyle.
10:26: Halle Berry, Ms. Cotillard, Shirley MacLaine, Nicole Kidman, and Sophia Loren come out to present Best Actress. Anne Hathaway tells Shirley MacLaine that she “loves you!” Awww. Marion Cotillard presents for Kate Winslet and woah, her English has gotten better.
GOOD LORD. SOPHIA LOREN. What happened, darling? You look like you were embalmed in a tanning bed. Oh. LORD. Sophia does Meryl, haltingly, as though Sophia has recently been reanimated. This is my sad face.
Nicole Kidman is doing Angelina Jolie’s intro, and Nicole’s dress give her the appearance of her boobs sprouting feathery weeds. It’s kind of unnerving. Or like her boobs have eyelashed. Nicole – no.
Winner: Kate Winslet. She finally gets her Oscar. Her performance in the Reader was good, but it’s regrettable to me personally that she got it for this one.
Kate Winslet tells her dad to whistle so she’ll know where he is, and he does so – to laughter – and it turns out Kate Winslet’s dad is made of AWESOME, because he is wearing the biggest black hat I’ve ever seen.
10:36: Best Actor is up now and we’ve got Bobby Deniro, Anthony Hopkins, Adrien Brody (Homeless Jesus!), Michael Douglas and Sir Ben Kingsley. Adrien Brody looks like he might be hiding a Mac-10 in his jacket, just in case any shit goes down. Michael Douglas has a face that only moves from the jaw and nowhere else.
Aww, Bobby DeNiro is here for Sean Penn. I will say this, I normally loathe Sean Penn and I think he deserves this one. Since we’re sanctifiying David Fincher tonight, DeNiro attempts to sanctify Penn too.
Goddamn, what is wrong with Adrien Brody? He looks like one tap and he might break. Has he been smoking meth or what? Richard Jenkins looks particularly underwhelmed by Brody’s praise and um…rightly so. It’s pretty uninspired.
Y’all, how funny is it that Sir Ben Kingsley, he of propriety and freakish insistance on titles, is presenting Mickey Rourke’s part? Directly behind Mickey is RPattz and I have to say, it’s quite hilarious. Roarke looks he ‘s going to laugh or cry and Pattinson is just smirking and attempting not to laugh his ass off.
And thankfully, Sean Penn wins it. He honestly deserved this one.
Aww, Sean Penn is shaking so hard he can barely hold his notes steady. Poor guy.
I think it’s kind of funny that they’re bringing out Spielberg to the sounds of Jurassic Park.
10:47: Best Picture: Slumdog Millionaire. Well, duhhhh.
And thus ends the Academy Awards for 2009, one which was so…hard to blog, you guys…what do you think of the winners?