Archive for January, 2009

#1503: Superman II

I think that if I watched Superman III and Superman IV for Worst Movies Ever and I didn’t watch Superman II first, Kevin would hunt me down, find out where I live and smother me in my sleep.


I could list all the various things that are great and good about Superman II, but we’d be here all damn year with me listing out the ways.   I actually much prefer it over the first movie and I think the only thing I waffle on is the special effects.   Sure, they look dated but I can’t figure out how corny they would’ve been when Superman II initially hit theaters.

I guess to put it in perspective and save you from a long, rambling post about how lovely I find this one, I’ll say that I put Superman II as the cinematic equivalent of two fingers of whiskey on the rocks.   And as anyone who really knows me well understands, I love me some whiskey, so that should put it high on the list of movies to love.

Man, now I really miss Christopher Reeve.

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Holy Hell

Some great person on Youtube has now made it possible for everyone to see every fight scene from Taken.   To that person, I say a hearty thanks.

Ladies, if your ovaries didn’t just explode like Fourth of July fireworks in a glittering cavalcade of joy and amazement, then I don’t know what to tell you.

Is it wrong that I’m booking my tickets RIGHT NOW?

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You guys, I’m not normally uber-attached to things, but I am uber-attached to this little blog.   That’s why I’ve decided to at least outline some of the changes that will be happening this year for the blog for two reasons:  one, so anyone who reads on a regular basis has a good idea of what to expect, and two, if I publish it, I’ll (sadly) be more motivated to get it done.

First things first:   The blog will eventually (probably starting in late February) be moved over to it’s own domain and you’ll see some design changes.   Why am I telling you this?   Well, I’m kind of computer challenged, so it’ll be a learning process.   Things might go a little pear-shaped from time to time, so I’m warning you in advance and asking anyone to please bear with me when stuff does change.

And now, on to the fun stuff:

I swear to God, I am going to get Reader’s Choice finished ONE OF THESE DAYS.   Right now Scott’s in the running to win my fantabulous, utterly glorious prize pack, but there’s still movies left.    We’ll probably kick off a new Reader’s Choice in July of this year with a new system.  I don’t think I can do 60+ movies and traffic doubles every month around here.   I would be scared to do every single submission every time.

And… starting this year, I’ll be doing monthly giveaways. One day in each month, I’ll do a post where you have a week to comment.   That’s all you have to do – leave a comment with your e-mail address.  I won’t be able to do it this month, but it will start up in February.   Once we’ve reached the end of the comment period, I’ll randomly draw a name out of those who commented and shoot you an e-mail to claim your prize.   Easy enough, right?   No trivia, no quizzes, no random Zen question to you have to answer to win.   Every post will have the prize announced in it so you’ll at least know what you’re winning.

Hopefully by the end of the year, I’ll have the stuff to do podcasting as well.   (Who would’ve thought, huh?)

Anyways, here’s your chance to spout off, tell me what to improve and/or tell me what you want to see in the next year.    Questions?    Comments?    Suggestions?

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A review in random notes:

  • Mark Wahlberg, I like you but I don’t like you in this.   Did you take heavy doses of Xanax during this thing?    You look like an emotionless hunk of man-beef.    Please don’t do whatever it is you were doing during this one again.
  • I have to say, it tears me up to acknowledge that Tim Roth is in this movie.   TIM ROTH!    Luckily, he plays an ape general, so you can’t really tell it’s Tim Roth.   My heart feels smashed that he was in this.
  • How does Estella Warren keep getting acting jobs?   She and Emmy Rossum both have that creepy, dead fish-eyes thing going on and it is not only distracting, but Warren really looks like the wheel’s turning but the hamster’s dead.
  • Did Tim Burton fall in love with Helena Bonham Carter before she had the ape makeup on…or did he fall in love with her while she had the ape makeup on?
  • If I’m pondering the above question, it should be noted that the movie’s boring as HELL.
  • I never saw the original of this film.   Now I have no desire to ever see it, Moses or no Moses.
  • Why did Burton choose to make this?   His movies usually make me feel like the eight year old Caitlin, the trick-or-treating as Wednesday Addams little girl who held on possessively to her copy of Lewis Carroll’s complete tales and poems and thought the world spun around Edgar Allan Poe’s Annabel Lee.   Burton makes distinctive movies – whimsical with a dash of nasty and disturbing, usually involving Poe/Carroll/Vincent Price/’50’s Americana kind of stuff.   What in the world possessed him to say, “Of course I’ll remake Planet of the Apes?”
  • Why the hell is Paul Giamatti in this?
  • I really hate the ending; it’s stupid and predictable.
  • Helena Bonham Carter really scares me as a human-loving ape lady.   I think there’s something unhinged about Bonham Carter that just wafts off the screen, no matter who she plays.
  • I can forget this one ever existed, right?

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Normally, as you know, I don’t update with wicked cool, up to the minute movie reporting, but I did see this on Slashfilm and I did think it was hilarious in such a juvenile way.   Michael Bay and McG are trading verbal insults about giant goddamn robots.

Bay started it:

We’ve seen certain movies coming out even try to duplicate Transformer size robots in their ads. Please, come on.

And McG responded with:

“It bothers me to tell you the truth. Ultimately, our large robots have nothing to do with the Transformers robots,” McG said. “I say with respect, giant robots have been the theme of film for a real long time.”

You should go to the Slashfilm link for the full story and the full quotes, FYI, but I took the best out of there.

How much of an arrogant waste of space do you have to be, Michael Bay, for me to feel sorry for McG?   And McG, what a lame response.  You should have just given Bay the finger.

Future filmmakers, take note – Michael Bay owns the Giant Robot idea and you’d better not infringe on that or he’ll make disparaging, douchebag comments about you in the press.

As I read the article, however, I really couldn’t help but imagine a situation in which Michael Bay, McG, Uwe Boll and Brett Ratner are locked in a room together with no food, no water and no way out.   When they finally started starving, who would they pick?   Would it surprise you if Bay was the first to get sacrificed for the greater good?

I wonder what kind of odds the Vegas bookies would be running on that one, that’s for sure.

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I’ll preface this write up by saying Untraceable is far from the worst movie I’ve seen doing this little shindig we call “Worst Movies Ever”, but it’s a far cry from the best.    In fact, it’s just shoddy and poor all the way around.

Diane Lane plays FBI Agent Jennifer Marsh, a lady who starts out as a no-nonsense, ass-kicking kind of cybercrime agent.   By that, I mean she picks up the phone and literally requests a door knocked down based on circumstantial evidence that would never actually get you a warrant in real life.   Already, this movie?  It bores me.

Marsh is asked to investigate a website with her partner, Griffin Dowd.   Killwithme.com features a kitten stuck to fly paper, unable to move as people watch the thing suffer and die.    Once the audience is successfully disturbed and a modicum of sensibility that the future serial killer is a sicko has been established, we move on.

Marsh, it seems, is a dedicated family woman!   She’s a single mom, lives with her mom and her daughter and throws roller-rink birthday parties where she invites her coworkers.   How sweet.   It’s too bad there’s  a psychopathic serial killer who likes to broadcast his major killings on the internets, huh?   That’ll totally fuck with your suburban household downtime.

Here’s where the film fucking explodes into stupidity.

Each victim is selected and broadcast for everyone to see on the Internet.  The more hit counts the website gets, the quicker the victim dies.


One victim is pumped full of anti-coagulants and made to bleed to death; another is stuck under high-powered lamps and somehow burned to death.   When Griffin discovers the identity of the killer, he’s rounded up and summarily dispatched in a tank of water quickly infused with sulfuric acid.   Pleasant.



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Dear Quentin,

Please do not be faking me out.

Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, a World War II epic about a group of Jewish-American soldiers, will open August 21st…

Quentin, you are the finest purveyor of well-made movie crack in existence.   One might even deem you a movie crackiste.   You’re that good.  So if you’re yanking our collective chains and this movie’s not ready come August 21st, I might have a slight problem.

And by that, I mean, I might cry.

I can totally see you going, “Oh, psyche!   Movie’s not ready yet!” and it’s just unfair to do that.   It’s more than unfair; it’s cruel and unusual punishment.   It’s mean.

I have bad feelings about this release date.   If any of my readers actually lived near me, I’d see about planning a field trip on August 21st to a decent movie theater, but I shan’t plan anything.   In fact, I’m going to put a big question mark on my calendar for August 21st, and we’ll just see if you do as promised.

Erring on the side of caution,


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