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Archive for January 26th, 2009

#1506: Santa’s Slay

I feel…perplexed.

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Long story short:  Santa is actually a demon who lost a bet years before and was sentenced to 1,000 years of doing good.   His thousand years of good behavior ar eover, so he comes to Hell Township to wreak havoc upon the citizens on Christmas.   Nicholas Yuleson is chased along with his friend Mary by the evil Santa Claus, culminating in …

Yawn.

I mean, Santa’s Slay is your typical low-budget holiday horror flick.   I really don’t understand spending a lot of time and money on  a film that ostensibly is built around not-so-clever uses of bad puns.   Someone really wanted an evil Santa Claus to kill people with candy canes and drown people with eggnog while uttering witty lines like, “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!”    The names of the characters – Nicholas Yuleson, for example – are downright corny and painful.   Yes, makers of Santa’s Slay, I got the joke.   You like wordplay.  I might have picked that up from the title, although you’re not as cutesy as you think you are.

For the few good ideas, the rest of the movie just drags and drags and drags.   I’d rather eat a whole fruitcake than sit through another Christmas-themed killing, I swear.

It should be noted that I nearly fell asleep about three separate times during this one.   It’s indicative of the movie’s quality, I hope.

But there is something memorable about this movie — the introductory scenes where a family is slaughtered by the now fully recharged and evil Santa.   Except the members of this family are…actually famous!

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Yes, FRAN DRESCHER AND CHRIS KATTAN are in this thing.   I know Chris Kattan and Fran Drescher aren’t synonymous with box office success, but seriously, one would think that they wouldn’t have to go this low for money.

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Oh, James Caan, why?

I guess if your movie’s only memorable for the fact that James Caan gets stabbed through the hands and Fran Drescher’s hair is set alight in the first five minutes, only to have them quickly massacred with a movie following said scene that’s so yawn-worthy it might be a better sleep aid than NyQuil, you might not have much of a movie on your hands at all.

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