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Archive for January 15th, 2009

planet-of-the-apes

A review in random notes:

  • Mark Wahlberg, I like you but I don’t like you in this.   Did you take heavy doses of Xanax during this thing?    You look like an emotionless hunk of man-beef.    Please don’t do whatever it is you were doing during this one again.
  • I have to say, it tears me up to acknowledge that Tim Roth is in this movie.   TIM ROTH!    Luckily, he plays an ape general, so you can’t really tell it’s Tim Roth.   My heart feels smashed that he was in this.
  • How does Estella Warren keep getting acting jobs?   She and Emmy Rossum both have that creepy, dead fish-eyes thing going on and it is not only distracting, but Warren really looks like the wheel’s turning but the hamster’s dead.
  • Did Tim Burton fall in love with Helena Bonham Carter before she had the ape makeup on…or did he fall in love with her while she had the ape makeup on?
  • If I’m pondering the above question, it should be noted that the movie’s boring as HELL.
  • I never saw the original of this film.   Now I have no desire to ever see it, Moses or no Moses.
  • Why did Burton choose to make this?   His movies usually make me feel like the eight year old Caitlin, the trick-or-treating as Wednesday Addams little girl who held on possessively to her copy of Lewis Carroll’s complete tales and poems and thought the world spun around Edgar Allan Poe’s Annabel Lee.   Burton makes distinctive movies – whimsical with a dash of nasty and disturbing, usually involving Poe/Carroll/Vincent Price/’50’s Americana kind of stuff.   What in the world possessed him to say, “Of course I’ll remake Planet of the Apes?”
  • Why the hell is Paul Giamatti in this?
  • I really hate the ending; it’s stupid and predictable.
  • Helena Bonham Carter really scares me as a human-loving ape lady.   I think there’s something unhinged about Bonham Carter that just wafts off the screen, no matter who she plays.
  • I can forget this one ever existed, right?

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