Archive for January 12th, 2009

Dear Quentin,

Please do not be faking me out.

Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, a World War II epic about a group of Jewish-American soldiers, will open August 21st…

Quentin, you are the finest purveyor of well-made movie crack in existence.   One might even deem you a movie crackiste.   You’re that good.  So if you’re yanking our collective chains and this movie’s not ready come August 21st, I might have a slight problem.

And by that, I mean, I might cry.

I can totally see you going, “Oh, psyche!   Movie’s not ready yet!” and it’s just unfair to do that.   It’s more than unfair; it’s cruel and unusual punishment.   It’s mean.

I have bad feelings about this release date.   If any of my readers actually lived near me, I’d see about planning a field trip on August 21st to a decent movie theater, but I shan’t plan anything.   In fact, I’m going to put a big question mark on my calendar for August 21st, and we’ll just see if you do as promised.

Erring on the side of caution,


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Can I just say that I’m excited that I made it to unseen movie number 1500?


It feels a little sucktastic for it to be Jack Frost 2:  Revenge of the Killer Snowman, that’s all.

I tried to take screencaps for you guys to PROVE the badness to you.    I attempted and the disc I received from Netflix fought me every step of the way.    I’m sorry you guys have missed out on the majesty.

I will say, however, that this humorless piece of shit falls right in line behind Begotten as one of the worst movies ever.  I have not experienced the joy, the rapture or the cinematic finery of the first Jack Frost, but I think it’s safe to say this one scrapes the bottom of the barrel.    Or maybe it’s just the leftover sludge at the bottom of the barrel.   I don’t really know; it’s just terrible stuff.

For those of you not hip to the story of Jack Frost, this is not the kid-friendly yet stupid Michael Keaton tale put out a decade or so ago. You remember that one?   It was supposed to warm your heart and pull at your emotions and that movie probably sucked, too.  (This movie, funnily enough, bears a warning on the summary from Netflix that this is not the sequel to that movie and is unsuitable for children.)

This is a tale of a vicious serial killer named Jack Frost who was being transported to the gas chamber or something or another when his transport vehicle collided with a tanker truck carrying super secret government acid that turned Jack Frost into a snowman.    Scratch that, a mutant killer snowman.   He talks, he quips, he kills.

One local cop stopped Jack and now the cop is on vacation in the Bahamas for Christmas.   Who should show up but that goddamn snowman!

One might think that perhaps a tropical climate would stop such a thing from happening, but it doesn’t.   Jack shows up and makes with the (stupid) killings straight away and manages to send a tropical island into a freeze, complete with falling snow.

Combine this with acting that looks like the casting director recruited people from the local community theater, sets that look like they were constructed with craft supplies from Ye Olde Local Crafting Shoppe, and a “mutant killer snowman” that’s really some chick shoved in a cheap, foam snowman and it is a recipe for suck.

Whoever they got to do the voice of Jack has a serious thing for Jack Nicholson; it sounds like a drunk Christian Slater doing a bad Nicholson impersonation.

The sad thing is, this thing is MEANT to be camp.   It’s meant to be movie crack.   It’s so inherently stupid and badly made that you can’t help but want to rip your own teeth out.   I watched this with Younger Sister, who repeated the same few questions during the movie:

“Is this for real?    Are they serious?    I mean, this movie really exists?”

Yes three times, Younger Sister, and the movie sucks ass.

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