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Archive for January 2nd, 2009

meet-the-spartans

There is not much to say about the horribly unfunny mish-mash of parody jokes that make up Meet The Spartans, except that if this is what my fellow average moviegoers consider fine comedic entertainment, then we are all doomed.   There is no hope left for humanity and we should all give up now, flailing in our own muck and mire of stupidity and crassness.

It is a painful, horrible waste of time that is evoked by the first fifteen seconds of the movie (a new record), in which a baby Shrek projectile vomits green goo all over a Spartan.   There is no better way to sum up the movie than to say, “It’s like that, y’all”.

(Shortest review ever?  Maybe, but there’s not much more to say about it.)

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i-know-who-killed-me

EIGHT THINGS TO HATE ABOUT I KNOW WHO KILLED ME:

1.   The plot

Aubrey is a smart, rich kid who excels in writing and piano playing and has a set of devoted, supportive parents.  Conversely, Dakota is a sleazy stripper, raised in poverty by a single, crack-addicted mom.   The only thing that these two share is that they’re twins, but neither of them know it due to a clever arrangement between Aubrey’s dad and Dakota’s mom.   When Aubrey is kidnapped by a serial killer stalking her town, Dakota begins exhibiting the same wounds.   It’s not until she is limping along the side of the road when a car hits her, landing her in the hospital and leading the cops to mistakenly believe she’s really Aubrey.   Even upon her insistence that she is not Aubrey, Dakota moves in with Aubrey’s parents and begins to try and find out how to save Aubrey.

Does that sound stupid to you?   It certainly is, and I haven’t encapsulated half the stupid contained in the movie in the above paragraph.   The term stigmatic twins is misused in the movie (stigmata implies the wounds of Christ, not just random wounds that you some how telepsychickinetically or…whatever…share with your unknown twin) and at face value, it’s awful.   Expounded upon, it’s cringingly bad.

2.   Heavy handed foreshadowing

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