Archive for December 11th, 2008

It took me FOUR TRIES to get through this testament to stupidity.


Dear God.

You know what?   I’m pulling a Letterman and just chucking my notecards at the proverbial camera, here.   Plot?   Plot doesn’t matter here!   All that matters is sex.   Sex, sex and more sex.   And given the people talking about sex and having sex, you may never want to have sex again.   You may never want to THINK about sex again.  I certainly contemplated checking myself into a convent.  And if I have to see one more horror movie that involves teens traveling to the woods to have sex and drink, I refuse to be held responsible for my actions.   Say it with me now:  played out.

Sex and death, that’s pretty much it.  Never mind the funny witticisms that the characters spout at every turn which sound like they were written by a mescaline tripping monkey with a frontal lobe injury; never mind the embarrassing “special effects” and actors who look like they could go on to star in an infomercial after the raging success of Adam and Evil.   Don’t bother attempting to figure out what’s going on, since half the movie’s too dark to see in the first damn place.

Isn’t there some point when we can intervene?   Isn’t there some point when we can reach out to people who supply the folks who made this movie with film, cameras, lights, etc. to say, “Dude.   Take one for the team, and just don’t sell them shit anymore.”   Can’t we blacklist these people?   These are people who thought this was a GOOD IDEA.   These are people who thought what they made was awesome; I’m sure they celebrated with a high-five and a “Cool, dude!”.   This is WRONG.   You’re telling me that some people can’t get movies made – awesome, deserving movies – and this piece of crap EVEN EXISTS?

I feel bitter.   I feel wronged.   I feel like we should go get everyone who starred and had a “creative” role in this project and make them wear scarlet letters forever.   Or perhaps scarlet movie posters.   This…thing…they have foisted upon the public is a crime.

I’m not sure if it’s the parade of terrible, horrifying atrocities that are running through my mailbox at the moment or if Adam & Evil is wholly deserving of my wrath but GOD.  PEOPLE.   I AM SO TIRED OF WATCHING PEOPLE GO OUT IN THE WOODS AND GET KILLED.

Come up with a better idea.   Execute that idea much better than you’re intending to make it in the first place.   And if you can’t do that, execute the damn project like Marie Antoinette.

Jesus, I need a lie-down and an aspirin.

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