I present to you the IMDB summary for reasons that will become clearer later:
A weekend retreat at a remote cabin in the woods for a group of childhood pals turns into a terrifying fight for survival, as a former friend whose family was killed years earlier comes along looking for revenge.
Tonight, Younger Sister joined me for this viewing…and I hate to say it, but I think it broke her. It broke me, just a little, so I present to you a review consisting of snippets of our conversation during the movie.
Younger Sister: What the hell is this?
Me: Ax ‘Em.
YS: …Two words. Sony. Camcorder.
Me: You should’ve seen Midnight Skater.
YS: What the hell have you been watching lately?
YS: 2 Smooth Film? Jesus. And why are we watching a step team?
Me: I don’t know. Really, I don’t.
YS: Uh…this is going to get better, right?
Me: *stony silence*
Me: WOW. Oh….God.
YS: They spent two dollars on this film, didn’t they?
Me: I just…there are no words.
YS: This movie blows. This is the worst movie ever.
Me: I’m not quite entirely sure on that, but it is in the running for first place, yeah.
Fifteen minutes later..
YS: Do you know what this is about?
Me: No. Actually…I have no clue what’s going on. And can you hear anything? I can’t hear a damn thing.
YS: I think they’ve gone camping. Maybe. And no, I can’t hear either. Are there subtitles? *clicks remote* GODDAMNIT, THERE’S NO SUBTITLES.
Me: Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?
YS: All I can hear is when they’re cackling. LOUDLY.
Me: Wow, I still have no idea what this movie’s about.
Me: OMG, what is that guy wearing?
YS: Some MC Hammer bullshit. Was this made in the ’70’s or something? Because Hammer wasn’t around then.
Me: I’m guessing mid-eighties.
YS: I’m Googling this shit. Seriously. And I’m sorry, I have no idea what the HELL is going on here. After (checks timer) thirty-three minutes we should have some idea of what’s going on. And they haven’t introduced any characters, they’re just there! Or they randomly pop up! God, I don’t even know anyone’s name! This is so stupid. All I can make out is screaming. That, and, “Awwww, shiiiit.”
Me: We might’ve heard the best part of the movie.
Cue booming rap music playing on the soundtrack.
Me: …Or not?
YS: Dude, who are these people? Are these even the same people from the beginning? What the shit?!
Me: *blank stare*
YS: Is this movie a joke?
Me: What? No, no, I don’t think so.
YS: Because that dude is BLUE.
YS: You mean someone made this … seriously?
YS: Because that man looks like an overgrown Smurf.
Me: What are you doing?
YS: Watching that guy twirl over a dead body.
Me: Hee. That might be the best part of the movie.
YS: Yes, I know. *rewinds it again*
YS: She’s praying for this movie to be over.
Me: This movie is only an hour and a half long.
YS: It’s been like, two hours already!
Me: We still have twenty more minutes.
YS: WHAAAAAAT? Wait, who is this chick?
Me: Seriously, I have no idea. I have no idea how I’m going to review this. At all.
YS: Yeah, what are you even going to say about it? I don’t know where to start with it. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: When was this made? This thing looks eighty five years old.
YS: *whips out her phone* Oh my god, this was made in 2002.
Me: WHAT?! There’s no way. I mean…NO EFFING WAY.
YS: OH YES, IT’S TRUE!
Me: Wait a minute…what is the deal with these credits?
YS: What the hell?
Me: What a way to be remembered.
Me: Holy shit, there was a character in this named BREAKFAST?!
YS: This is some BULL. SHIT.
Me: He thanked God? For REAL?
YS: And then, God cried.
Me: He misspelled “Congressman”, too.
YS: And then, God cried some more.
Me: Special thanks to all those who supported me and all those who did NOT?
YS: What does that even mean?
Me: Oh my god, he thanked Spike Lee and John Singleton.
Me: …And he misspelled John Singleton’s name.
When all was said and done, we just kind of looked at each other in astonishment.
YS: So…you’re doing this for the blog, right?
Me: Yeah, I let people submit their nominations for worst movie ever.
YS: I hope someone did not pick this movie up by accident. Or picked it up thinking it would be scary. Because if they did, God have mercy on their soul, Caitlin.
YS: I can’t believe you’re doing this to yourself.
Me: Yeah. Me neither.