In all actuality, I saw parts of Gothic when I was about twelve.
I felt conflicted on this one; on one hand, I hate the fact that it feels shoddily made and is…well…pretty crappy. However, my inner twelve year old screams at me: “But this is why you like Gabriel Byrne so much!”
12 Year Old Me: Self, Gabriel Byrne is wayyyy hot. I mean, hot with two t’s. HOTT.
Me, Now: Concurred, self, but still. Did you watch this movie?
12 Year Old Me: Most of the beginning. It was on too late for me to finish. But it’s pretty! It’s got fun costumes and it’s set in a big house and…GABRIEL BYRNE.
Me, Now: Yeah, you’re also spending time in Science class doodling on your Backstreet Boys photos you have pasted in your notebook.
12 Year Old Me: Oh, that is SO UNFAIR. They are soooo awesome.
Me, Now: In a retro, nostalgic sense, yeah. Did you notice that this movie makes NO SENSE? Also, it’s not based much in any sense of historical FACT, other than the true story that Percy Shelley, the future Mrs. Shelley, Lord Byron and some crazy chick actually spent a night telling ghost stories and that’s when Mary Shelley came up with Frankenstein? I think the hallucinogenic drugs and rampant sex bits were added to “spice up the story”, if you know what I mean. Also, everyone looks like they’re suffering from consumption in this one. No good, makeup department, no good.
12 Year Old Me: There were drugs in this? And…SEX?!?!
Me, Now: Yeah, and not just drugs in the sense that the director overloaded on LSD before he made this. Like, they’re supposed to be taking actual drugs. And running around Lord Byron’s crazy ass house and imagining things. …And getting randomly naked.
12 Year Old Me: BUT, GABRIEL BYRNE.
Me, Now: It also looks like they used steel wool on the final film print. The movie looks, just from an aesthetic standpoint, like crap. Plus, the acting is atrocious. Trust me, self, wait five years when you see the Argento version of Phantom of the Opera and you will internally roll your eyes at Julian Sands forever. FOREVER. Even Natasha Richardson is total crap. And the entire movie is so dark, you can barely see anything. It’s just a metric ton of awful. Really. Even at twelve, I had some measure of taste.
12 Year Old Me: GABRIEL BYRNE.
Me, Now: SHUT UP, I HAD TO SEE JULIAN SANDS’ BARE ASS IN THIS ONE AND THE MOVIE DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. I WILL NOT HEAR THESE EXCUSES, TWELVE YEAR OLD SELF.
12 Year Old Me: Gabriel Byrne?
Me, Now: Oh, uncle. I give up.
It’s awful, but…GABRIEL BYRNE.
Some fights, you just can’t win.