Brett Ratner, please step forward for your whack upside the head. The man seriously wants to make a Guitar Hero movie.
“I’d really like to do it, but they’re not letting me… I expressed my interest, but because it’s such a success, it’s like now there’s no reason to make a movie about it…. The game is wish-fulfilling, everyone can be a rock star… I might prevail… I usually do.”
I keep expecting Ratner to say, “Haha! April Fools!”
How exactly would one make a Guitar Hero movie? As the ever astute Mr. Ratner has pointed out, the mass appeal of the video game is that everyone can be a rock star. How do you translate that into a movie? Would we see nothing but the instantly identifiable Guitar Hero screen for two hours? Would we have some sort of melodramatic, overplayed showdown between two people playing plastic, battery-operated guitars?
Besides the fact that this is just the most utterly stupid thing I’ve heard in about the past four days or so, it’s Brett Ratner, he of the Rush Hour franchise and X-Men 3. There’s no way that this movie would be good. In Ratner’s defense, he seems to make brainless movies that kill at the box office which I have no problem with at all. (It’s when he and guys like Michael Bay start getting all artsy and talking about their “craft” that I begin to roll my eyes and gag.) He fills a niche. Kudos to him for making a living at it.
Ratner’s Guitar Hero movie would probably look something like this:
Main Character: Oh man, I finally beat Slayer on expert! I rock! Where’s my cute girlfriend that looks like Elisha Cuthbert so I can make out with her?
Jackie Chan: OH NO, YOU DON’T. Time to battle!
Main Character: But…you don’t even play guitar, dude! How am I supposed to battle you?
Jackie Chan: Do you want to get karate-chopped in the face?
Main Character: Alright, dude! Let’s rock!
Thus a furious guitar battle played on plastic guitars with five multicolored buttons would ensue, where Jackie Chan’s awesome power-ups would destroy buildings and cause earthquakes. Dancing zombie monkeys would arrive, and the chick that played Calypso from X-Men 3 would hold the Elisha Cuthbert lookalike girlfriend hostage while Chan and the main character duked it out for supremacy.
Knowing Ratner, he would also call it, “Guitar Hero EPIC” or something inane like that.
I know it’s bad. The Guitar Hero people know it’s bad – hence why it’s not getting made. Basically, everyone but Brett Ratner knows this is a very bad idea.
Whatever Ratner is smoking, I certainly don’t want any.
For the record, how sad is it that movie news is so slow that this is what finally riled me up enough to write about it? Good heavens, it’s awfully boring out there right now.