Archive for August 7th, 2008

Dear Quentin,

This is like… the second letter I’ve written you.  It’s not good when I write you letters, is it?

THEN LET’S STOP DOING SILLY THINGS, SHALL WE?   Casting Eli Roth in Inglorious Bastards?   Really?

Have you lost your ever-loving mind?

Don’t get me wrong.   I know you and Eli are all buddy-buddy.   You probably watch movies together and go bar-hopping and whatever it is that you do, but he is not an actor. Presumably, you’ve seen him act since he was in one of your own movies.   Dear God, QT, just look at the man.   I like Roth’s movies when he’s behind the camera, not in front of it.   And I’m assuming the role you’re putting him in is not a pervy frat-boy role, is it?

No disrespect to Roth.   I thought Cabin Fever was funny and a good horror film, and I liked both the Hostel films.   I thought his trailer for Thanksgiving was delightfully campy.   But every time I see him, I just have flashbacks to:  “Yeah, he’s a Professor!   A professor of being a dog!”

Bless his heart, I just don’t think Eli Roth was cut out to be an actor.   No harm, no foul, except for him being in this movie.

You need to hire someone to tell you “no”, Quentin.  You need to hire a “no person”, who will tell you when you’re out of your damn gourd and you sound like you’ve been inhaling paint fumes because your thinking is schizoid.   Is it fun to go shoot a movie with your friend for a few months in Europe?  Sure!   Will that make your movie good!?    IS YOUR FRIEND ELI ROTH?  Just say NO.

Your no person, incidentally, should be equipped with one of those enormous and squishy inflatable plastic mallets – the kind with the squeaky toy inside – so that when you “leak information” – like “I want to cast Leonardo DiCaprio as a German SS dude” – said no person can administer a swing to your head like Mickey Mantle.  It won’t hurt you, but it will keep your wits about you and you’ll even get the added bonus of sound effects.

It’s not hard, QT.

For God’s sake, just get on with it.

No love (at the moment),


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Look, I know why remakes get made – the almighty dollar. I get it. Well, in some ways I do and in some ways, I don’t. But for the love of all in this world that is sunshine and rainbow-y goodness, can we not leave some things alone? Can’t some movies be like art in a museum, where you get fifteen feet from them and if you get any closer, the burglar bars and silent alarms activate before you can get your nasty, greasy, grubby hands all over that Picasso?

I just read this: Natalie Portman will star in a remake of Suspiria, due in 2010.

Is nothing sacred?

First Halloween. Then Friday the 13th. Now they’re in the process of remaking Nightmare on Elm Street. And then comes the announcement that Suspiria is going to be remade.

Why?! Tell me why, God, tell me why!

For heaven’s sakes, there’s NOTHING wrong with the original. If we have all really reached the point in movie-going culture where people are too lazy to watch the original damn movie, or complain that it’s too “old” or whatever, we have some serious problems. Guys, I have an idea, let’s just not make anymore new movies. Let’s just remake the same damn movies over and over again. It’s all easier on our brains, right, rather than coming up with something new-fangled and original?

For the record, I call shenanigans.

This is why we can’t have nice things. And I swear to Jimmy Stewart, I’m going to pull this car over if one of you in the backseat even remotely thinks about messing with one more Hitchcock movie, because there CERTAINLY IS one unnecessary Birds remake in the pipeline right now.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to quietly slink into my premature old ladyhood and feel sad.

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