You know, I’m all for liking actors who are immensely talented because they’re immensely talented…but every so often, you just have to go with the gut reaction, “Mmm, pretty”. It’s not reasonable, sure, but it’s part of why some actors are cast. And if you’re me, you go for the ones that everyone else is thinking, “Him? Really?”
In some ways, it’s really quite shameful, considering I’ve sat through an awful lot of crap for the ones I find irrationally attractive.
Nobody squees quite like J.D. squees, so this post is in his honor.
The following are the certified beloved actors of 1,416 and Counting, simply for the fact of…uh… “Mmm. Pretty.”
ADRIEN BRODY – I sat through King Kong for you. P.S.: Make some better movies. P.P.S.: What’s with the wanna-be rapper stuff? It’s seriously harshing my pretty buzz over here, Adrien. The man rocks a suit, that’s for sure.
CHRISTIAN BALE – I have no problems with your movie choices, Christian, not even Newsies. Please salvage Terminator 4 for me. Yay! John Connor will finally be smokin’!
CILLIAN MURPHY – Have a sandwich or seven. You’ve got those very nice cheekbones and pretty blue eyes but you look like you weigh approximately seven and a half ounces, Cillian. I’m worried you may break, and then where would I be? Also, there’s no marks against you for movie choices, at least none that I know of.
EWAN MCGREGOR – Please stop talking about your motorcycle. Also, no more pictures of you in kilts, please. And if you ever make another movie as crappy as Eye of the Beholder, it is totally over, Ewan. (At least until I remember my horrible, so wrong it can’t be right kind of love for Brassed Off).
GARY OLDMAN – is the reason why fainting couches were invented.
GEORGE CLOONEY – Uh…I don’t think you need any introduction, Intern George.
GERARD BUTLER – is awful to me. He’s so darn nice looking and then he has to be in such horrible movies. I want my $9 back and an apologetic voicemail, e-mail or handwritten letter to me in return for sitting through the following movies, Gerry: Timeline, Reign of Fire, Phantom of the Opera and Dracula 2000. And let’s preemptively add P.S. I Love You, because I know I’ll see that piece of feel good shit anyways just becaues you’re in it. Also, your fans are insane and scary.
HENRY ROLLINS – I have no issue with Henry’s terrible amazing choices in roles because I’m pretty sure he could rip my spine out and shove it down my throat. That being said…he is one intense little dude. Which is pretty attractive.
HUGH LAURIE – How right you are, Jeeves! Give this man a hug and a drink for A Bit of Fry & Laurie and all of the Jeeves & Wooster thingamajigs he did. Also, I hear he’s in some TV show in America nowadays…
JAMES MCAVOY – Look, any dude that can look attractive while gussied up as a potential cast member for a movie remake of The Waltons defies all logical explanation.
JAMES SPADER – If you were rooting for Andie to say, “Screw Andrew McCarthy! Screw Jon Cryer! I want JAMES SPADER!”, then you too can join Team Caitlin. His portrayal of Alan Shore on Boston Legal is so hilariously neurotic that it’s actually kind of adorable. And he plays “smug yuppie” like no one else.
JOHNNY DEPP – Had me at “Hello, my name is Glen and I’m about to get sucked into my own bed by Freddy Krueger while I wear this ridiculous half-shirt thingy and then a bunch of fake blood is going to vomit out of my bed and on to the ceiling”. It was all downhill from there, really.
KONSTANTIN KHABENKSY – Is Russian. Is attractive. Is awesome as Anton Gorodetsky in the Watch movies. Has a really deep, “serious business” voice and sounds scary cool in Russian.
LIAM NEESON – The man can do no wrong, I’m convinced. The term “made of win” might have been coined for Liam Neeson, I’m not sure. He’s been in crap movies, sure, but come on – he was in Schindler’s List! And he was pretty good as Michael Collins, even though that movie sucked. He’s got a very attractive accent! And he’s…well, he’s Liam Neeson. That’s really all that can be said.
SAM NEILL – Two words: Dr. Grant. And he was in one of my favorite movies of all time, The Hunt For Red October (shut. up). Sam Neill is all smart-attractive!
SEAN BEAN – Did you see any of the Sharpe series? No? No?! Go…Netflix it…now. And, uh, Equilibrium made me want to give him a cookie. Plus, he’s blonde. And he has a predilection for playing villains, which is always charming.
SHIA LABOEUF – Who knew Louis Stevens would grow up to be kinda hot?
TAKESHI KANESHIRO – There’s something about guys that can wear suits nicely and I think Kaneshiro wears a suit better than anyone else. Also, House of Flying Daggers was rad. RAD. (Takeshi owes me a better movie in return for, well, The Returner).
VIGGO MORTENSEN – Dude. Witness. Eastern Promises. Flipping Aragorn. He could kill you, but he’d rather write poetry. In Danish. What doesn’t this guy do?