Here on 1,416 and Counting I normally do old movies. They usually haven’t been in a theater in years. However, this doesn’t mean I don’t keep up on new movies; it’s just that some of them (like Beverly Hills Chihuahua) strike me as not worth my time, suicide-inducing or a movie you couldn’t pay me to see. So this week, while I catch up on reviews and get my business in order with Netflix, I’m going to be running movies I’m absolutely itching to see in the theater by release date.
So here’s the first five movies I’m dying to see…
- WANTED (June 27th)
Boy meets girl. Girl tells him he’s supposed to really be a super-secret assassin. Girl and boy shoot things. Woo!
Pros: Directed by the guy that did Night Watch and Day Watch; features my Russian crack-actor Konstantin Khabensky in a minor role; Angelina Jolie (with guns!); yummy James McAvoy; Morgan Freeman dropping f-bombs (God curses?); Thomas Kretschmann; the whole movie just screams “whee, let’s shoot things!”; cool gun fight scenes; yummy James McAvoy; …shirtless James McAvoy. Mmm.
James McAvoy. Yup.
Cons: Guns defy the laws of physics. Hmm. But there’s still James McAvoy, right?
- HELLBOY II: THE GOLDEN ARMY (July 11th)
This sequel to the first Hellboy pits the named superhero against some more supernatural bad dudes..wwho apparently have an army that’s shiny and golden.
Pros: Selma Blair rules and she’s back for this one; Guillermo del Toro can do little wrong; Ron Perlman is a badass who rules everything he’s ever been in (including City of Lost Children and Perlman doesn’t even speak French); the effects look awesome.
Cons: Did the first Hellboy make enough money or generate enough interest to justify a sequel? How the hell did this get made?
- THE DARK KNIGHT (July 18th)
If you don’t know what this movie’s about, you’ve been living under a rock.
Pros: Christian Bale; Gary freakin’ Oldman; if it’s half as good as Batman Begins people are going to leave the theater drooling on themselves; the producers/director told Katie Holmes to take a hike after she became all Tom Cruise-d and Scientology obsessed and cast the marginally better Maggie Gyllenhall in her place; Heath Ledger as the Joker looks like it’s going to be eighty kinds of win.
Cons: May feel creepy after watching Heath Ledger’s final performance as a psychotic madman who wears only slightly less makeup than Tammy Faye Bakker; can the sequel be better than the reboot?
- TROPIC THUNDER (August 15th)
A bunch of spoiled rotten Hollywood megastars are filming a war movie in the jungle when the director gets upset over their diva antics and instead, leaves them out in the jungle to fight a real war and get it on film.
Pros: I still think Ben Stiller is funny; Robert Downey, Jr. is playing a white dude who is playing a black guy with hilarious results (I really didn’t realize it was RDJ in the initial teaser posters!); by all accounts the movie appears to be a perfect storm of funny with excellent buzz behind it.
Cons: Is Ben Stiller starting to go the Mike Myers/Adam Sandler route where he’s playing out old jokes again?; is Jack Black playing Jack Black going to actually be not annoying?; very unlikely that Robert Downey, Jr. will be shirtless but I suspect there’s a large possibility that Jack Black might take his shirt off. Eww.
- IGOR (September 19th)
In a world populated by Mad Scientists and their assistants, Igors, one Igor wants to actually be a scientist! Heaven forbid!
Pros: Ohmigod, John Cusack; looks cute and funny without being saccharine, maybe like Finding Nemo; animation looks good; my irrational full-on love for John Cusack knows no bounds so if I sat through Must Love Dogs it’s pretty much a requirement that I see this.
Cons: You know there’s going to be eight billion and one cross-promotional merchandise items that tie in with this, so you’re going to be bombarded with Igor everywhere you go; little children will make you hate this movie with the passion of a thousand fiery nuns; John Cusack really is past his expiration date even though I internally cannot admit it.