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Archive for March 9th, 2008

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“Hi! I’m noted film and television actor John Travolta! It’s a great day, isn’t it?

Listen, I’m here to talk to you about something very important to me. No, no…it’s not Scientology. I’m here to talk to you about acting.

Acting, obviously, is the main thing that I do. I’m proud to say that over the years I’ve developed my own system, my own method, if you will. I call it ‘The John Travolta School of Acting’. It’s really quite easy, you see.

There’s a couple of steps. I’m only willing to share a few with you here; you’ll have to attend my super-exclusive seminar to hear the rest, but this should get you started on your path to acting superstardom!

Now, many of you out there may have never taken an acting class in your life. That’s okay! The John Travolta School of Acting was designed especially for people who have no idea how to act. In fact, we don’t want you at The Travolta School if you have any idea how to act. All you have to do is show up, and follow a few quick and easy steps.

Step One: Maniacal Facial Expressions

All you need for this is a mirror and some of my movies. Two of my “Maniacal Facial Expression” piéces de resistance are Broken Arrow and Face/Off. See here?

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Note the serious expression! The partially raised eyebrow! And then, when you’re actually moving and not standing still, you just need to act like a hybrid of Jack Nicholson and Nick Nolte. It’s easier than you think! Go, right now, and try it out on your husband or wife. I guarantee they will hide in the bathroom out of complete and utter terror. (Travolta Safety Tip: Make sure all sharp objects and firearms are locked away safely before you try Step Number One.) If your husband or wife will believe it, your average American moviegoer will!

Step Two: Speak Loudly With Your Hands

Take a look at Basic. Enjoy Broken Arrow again. What you can’t say with your face (or what your face won’t let you say) you can always say with obnoxious, overly large hand gestures.

Want to reinforce the fact that you’re a maniac? Grabby hands! Want to seem especially sarcastic? Jazz hands! They’re not just for dance anymore!

Now, you’re capable of playing a bad guy! Want to know how to play a good guy! Well, you can attend my seminar for only $999.00 this weekend to figure out the rest, and soon, you too can star in Urban Cowboy or Saturday Night Fever! Half of the proceeds go to the Church of Scientology! Wait, no, I haven’t won an Oscar, now that you ask — where are you going? Wait…come back! Come back!!!”

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Wow, I had not seen From Dusk Till Dawn in…forever.

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To me personally, the movie isn’t scary.  It never has been.  It was always fun for me — fun to see Salma Hayek turn into some hideous vampire, fun to see Cheech Marin running around as 80 million different characters (alright, so more like…three), fun to see Quentin Tarantino being a psycho sick pervert.   I don’t know what’s freakier; Tarantino as a rapist or somehow having come across the knowledge that Tarantino has some sort of thing with feet, combined with long, long shots of Juliette Lewis’ bare toes.

It’s a fun movie.   Personally, you just have to put Robert Rodriguez’s name somewhere on the box and I’ll watch it.  I’m easy to please — I love guns and gore and the fact that you can almost certainly spot Danny Trejo in any one of his movies.   (Trejo = badass.)

It is most definitely a fun ride.  I lost my copy of the Dimension Collector’s Series a while ago in a move, probably a couple of moves ago, so I picked up a copy the other night for $7.50 and it was most definitely worth it to keep it.

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