Look, I have my limits, okay? Uwe Boll just pushes me too far.
Every time I try to put coherent thoughts down about Alone in the Dark, I fail. If you have seen a Uwe Boll movie, then you have an inkling of what’s in store for you. If not, then this movie should have the subheading “ABANDON HOPE, ALL YE WHO PUT THIS IN YOUR DVD PLAYER”.
I’m sure that given a few years and a mindwipe, I could cobble together something about how Stephen Dorff can’t even play a parody of himself. I could probably work together a theory on why Uwe Boll makes movies that suck so much they’re not even the kind of bad movie you can pop in on a Friday night and laugh. I could even, maybe, write a passionate argument about how Tara Reid’s not stupid, she’s just not a good actress and that’s what makes her look awful as an archaeologist (along with a god-awful script). I actually feel bad for Tara Reid. Sigh.
All of it, I could do – were it not for the worst sex scene I have ever had the distinct displeasure of seeing in a motion picture. My eyes did not want to drink in the sight of a bloated, stubble-covered Christian Slater, looking half miserable and half depressed as Tara Reid shucks her clothes. Watching the two wriggle under atrocious lighting with an untalented director to bring us something that resembles a facsimile of sex may render you unable to speak. And oh, Jesus, the sounds. I don’t know that I can ever forget it. This is the second time I’ve watched it. The scene is so bad I have the urge to get up and leave the room.
That’s when all thoughts of comprehensive analysis leave my brain.
I bet the sex scene resembled Slater (with his anime hair) molesting a pepperoni pizza. I saw a clip of this movie once, when they were shooting at some crates. Machine gun fire has never been as boring. I commend your fortitude in watching the whole thing.
I bet the sex scene resembled Slater (with his anime hair) molesting a pepperoni pizza.
Let’s not drag food into this; I’d like to eat my next meal without projectile vomiting.
Machine gun fire has never been as boring.
Hahah! You should read the basic premise. You’ll fall asleep halfway through!
Caitlin. Caitlin. Caitlin.
If I ever said I was concerned about your mental and physical health due to this series (which I have), let me say we’re at the possible maximum of concern right now.
Don’t do anything desperate and foolish, please. We love you. :(
Don’t do anything desperate and foolish, please. We love you. :(
Over movies? Oh, Lord no, J.D. (I ONLY JOKE, SHEESH.)
It really is awful, but at least we’re almost done with the series, right? I got two or three more coming in the mail, then ta-da! We’re done. I actually don’t even know what to review after all this, I’m so used to doing bad movies.
Do The English Patient or Titanic or something.
The English Patient is a fate worse than death.
Titanic, now I can get behind that for BILLY ZANE and Victor Garber.
Haha, of course TEP would be a more arduous chore than Alone in the freaking Dark.
Ewwww, Billy Zane. If you’re gonna watch it just for him, then watch Orlando or something. (*shudders*)
of course TEP would be a more arduous chore than Alone in the freaking Dark.
To be fair: I have made it through Alone in the Dark – twice. I have never made it through The English Patient.
Ewwww, Billy Zane. If you’re gonna watch it just for him, then watch Orlando or something. (*shudders*)
ZOOLANDER! (“Listen to your friend, Billy Zane, he’s a cool dude!”)
To be fair: I have made it through Alone in the Dark – twice. I have never made it through The English Patient.
You confuse me.
You confuse me.
You have to admit, it keeps you on your toes. (Actually, I think part of this is that TEP is really LONG. AITD clocks in at like, an hour and a half.)
Yeah, and TEP is almost twice that!
But it also has Juliette Binoche in it.
SOOOOOOO.
Do you know that I have a friend who tried to get me to see Alone in the Dark…in the THEATRE? Hell to the no. Hell to the NO! I’d rather have my eyes pried open Clockwork Orange-style and be forced to watch this for 24 hours straight: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_1nzEFMjkI4
Do you know that I have a friend who tried to get me to see Alone in the Dark…in the THEATRE?
I hope you are not friends with this person anymore. That’s not testing the boundaries of friendship, that’s just… that’s just cruel and unusual punishment.
In conclusion: PARTY FOUL. How could someone attempt to inflict this upon you?
“Alone in the Dark” was nominated for 2 Razzie Awards including Worst Director and for Tara Reid as Worst Actress, but failed to take home any of those categories.
failed to take home any of those categories.
This is unpossible. HOW?! What was the other movie that won?! JESUS.
I made it as far as Tara Reid pronouncing Newfoundland NewFOUNDland. I should have got the hint with the car chase scene through the open air market.