#1499: Worst Movies Ever – Silent Night, Deadly Night

I just now received this one due to the fact that it had been listed as a “long wait” by Netflix.   I’m assuming because there are some people out there wishing for holiday cheer by watching someone go on a complete psychopathic bender.

I wished upon doing this that I would find something so incredibly awful that it would be rip-roaringly hilarious.   Luckily for me, one arrived today.

Billy is a small boy accompanying his parents and baby brother on a delightful trip to the local mental hospital to visit his grandfather for Christmas.  After all, it’s just not Christmas without a vacation to see your drooling grandfather potentially have anti-psychotics forcibly administered.   Billy looks forward to the impending arrival of Santa Claus, but upon his arrival to the hospital he becomes terrified.   Sure, Grandpa appears to be lethargic and catatonic, but when Billy’s parents and the loony bin doctor leave the room, he grabs Billy and informs him that Santa Claus not only visits good children to reward them, he visits bad children to punish them.

Scared shitless, Billy is collected by his unknowing parents, who discuss the concept of punishment with him on the car ride back.   They stop to help a stranded motorist dressed like Santa Claus; however, they don’t realize he’s just finished robbing a convenience store down the street and brutally killing the proprietor.   I’m sure by now you can surmise that there’s no Christmas cheer headed this family’s way.

Billy survives by hiding on the side of the road, but his future is much bleaker.   Yes, he’s been punished enough already, don’t you think?

Wanted: Stern Women to Become Nuns. Compassion? Totally Not Required.

No, Billy receives some more hard knocks when he’s sent to an orphanage run by the most insensitive, hard-hearted nun ever.   Billy draws disturbing pictures of decapitated beloved Christmas figures but can’t remember what exactly happened to his parents.   One caring nun tries to reason that suppressing all this can’t be healthy, but you know, as they say, Mother Superior knows best.   And she’s determined to discipline the fear right out of him.

Sounds effective, huh?   Why doesn’t this damn nun set up electro-shock therapy and lobotomies in the basement?

She beats Billy, she ties him to his bed to prevent him from running in fear after his traumatic nightmares and she tells him, “Punishment is good”.   Repeatedly.

So years later, when Billy grows up into a strapping young man, it’s a bit easier to understand why he might be more than slightly damaged goods.   I mean, no returns counter in the world would take him back, even though he looks sweet.

Sure, he looks nice and friendly now.   Poor torn up Billy can’t even have a wet dream without feeling naughty and thereby leading to dreams of an unseen killer stabbing him – punishing him!

If you pause for a bit to consider Billy’s plight, homeboy is about two inkblot tests and a Freudian analysis short of being strapped into a straight-jacket and wheeled into solitary confinement.   However, Billy is among the punishment, guilt and naughtiness obsessed Mother Superior, so he manages to hold himself together remarkably well.    The kindly nun at the orphanage assists him in getting a job at a toy store, which would be a fantastic idea – except for that whole problem Billy experiences with Christmas, especially Santa Claus.

Kinda rough if you work at a toy store, maybe.

When Billy is talked into dressing up as Santa, the falcon can no longer heed the falconer’s call, if you know what I mean – and I sincerely hope you do.

The last straw is the attempted rape of Billy’s coworker by a manager of his, something which dredges up the murder of his parents to the forefront of his mind.  From there on out, Billy is totally whackadoodle.   He is gone.   Like, completely and totally fried.   This man’s consciousness is seriously unjacked from the world at large.

There is only one word Billy really says from here on out.   Can you guess what it is?   Care to take an educated assumption?

If your Final Jeopardy answer was “PUNISH”, then reveal your wager now.

When I say that Billy goes on a rampage, that might not be totally satisfactory.   He plows through people like he is at a Chinese buffet from hell.   He starts with his coworkers, picking them off one by one…

And then he just randomly moves on, killing a horny teenage couple – PUNISH! – and some bullying sledders – PUNISHHHH! – before he moves on to his main course:   the orphanage and Mother Superior.

By now the cops have enlisted the aid of the Kindly Nun to assist them in predicting the next movements of Billy.   They meet at the orphanage, attempting to stave off a psychotic PUNISHING rampage of Christmas insanity, but Billy – still dressed in his bloody, nasty, Santa Claus getup – weasels his way in.

He attempts to PUNISH Mother Superior but is foiled by the trusty revolver of the policeman who shows up right on time.    However, Billy’s younger brother Ricky is still at the orphanage and he witnesses all this.   The movie ends with a dire warning:   “NAUGHTY”.   So sayeth Ricky.

Silent Night, Deadly Night is cheap, stupid and features some decent gore scenes.   Here’s why I like it:   It knows what kind of movie it is.   People are tuning in for a couple of things:   boob shots and gore.   It delivers that, and once you get Billy going, he really doesn’t ever stop – at least until they gun his crazy ass down.

And it’s so damn bad.   Billy rolls around town with an axe and a Santa Claus outfit, completely deranged and divorced from reality.   I mean, this is one of those things that’s a little too outrageous in concept for you to take seriously.

So instead?   It’s fun.   It’d be more fun if they eased up on all the upper body female nudity, but hey – that’s just me.

As far as we’ve gone down the Worst Movies Ever list, this one so far is my good favorite.

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