Guys, it’s going to take a lot to beat this one for the worst.
I want you to imagine in your head a couple of things, first. Let the sweet sounds of nature – the trees blowing in the breeze, a couple of happy crickets chirping away in the background – and I want you to remember that and overlay those sounds with this image:
Yeah, yeah, keep those happy nature sounds in your head. I’m creating a visual and auditory picture in your head not unlike Bob Ross – we’re getting to the happy little trees part of this painting soon enough.
Now I want you to imagine the sounds of coffee being percolated with someone vomiting overlayed with what I had earlier, and then the striking image of someone cutting themselves open with a straight razor.
It was at that point that I thought to myself, “I have reached some point of no return. This is…I don’t even know how to describe this.”
That is the first ten minutes of Begotten. There’s no dialogue, only ambient noise and percolating vomit sounds; there’s no plot (Scott e-mailed me an explanation, but I feel this “movie” is better without one). And the whole movie looks like this:
There are three characters that run around with bags on their heads or strangely grabbing themselves in odd places. The entire movie should be turned into one of those LOLCAT macros with “WTF” running at the bottom of every cell.
To put it into perspective: Watching Begotten feels like at any moment you are going to receive a phone call or an e-mail warning you that you now have a week to live before some sopping wet spider lady comes out of your television to feast upon your soul. It really does. It’s kind of soul-crushing in a sense, because I suppose if you really put some thought into it (and believe me, people, I did not want to really put anything into this one) someone intended this to be lofty, avant-garde kind of film that made a statement.
Obviously, this person had no clue that this film telegraphs the message: “AWFUL, STOP. MAKES NO SENSE, STOP. I HAVE LOST ALL MY INNOCENCE AND WISH TO BE PUT OUT OF MY MISERY, STOP. PLEASE MAKE IT STOP, STOP.”
As far as I can tell, in the Worst Movies Ever derby, everyone else is eating Begotten’s dust. And if you really don’t believe me, well, you can mentally scar yourself for free here on Google Video.
I may never be the same, guys.
That was terrifying. I have nothing more to say. Ever.
Mags, did you watch it, actually?
Doesn’t it break your soul, kinda? Thank Scott over at He Shot Cyrus for this one. I can’t believe I’m going to reward people for doing this to me, but I am.
I did. I needed a break from writing papers and thought this might be good. I was very much mistaken.
Oh god, I am SO sorry, Mags. So very sorry.
Well, I do have a renewed sense of vigour with regards to my paper. I’m never taking an effing break from writing again!
Well, I’m glad I could help your academic career then?
Wow Caitlin. Just wow.
If you don’t wanna post the explaination given to you, you can email it to me cause I gotta know.
…wow.
-Jason
Jason, I direct you to the Wikipedia article (basically because my brain burns when I think about typing out the summary of this flick):
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Begotten
YES, IT’S LIKE THAT, BUT WORSE.
Looks like a hoot!
The guy in the first picture has a decent Leatherface thing going on. Sweet.
Mags, never watch any movie on the ‘Worst Picture Project’ for entertainment. They will hurt ze brain.
Mags, never watch any movie on the ‘Worst Picture Project’ for entertainment. They will hurt ze brain.
I will give it this much; this movie was the only one that I think I where I would rather choose a Marathon-Man style session at the dentist than another viewing of this thing.
Looks like a hoot!
Yeah, except not….
The guy in the first picture has a decent Leatherface thing going on. Sweet.
Andrew, if it weren’t for NSFW content in that video, I’d tell you to watch it right now and see if you’re still saying “Sweet!” by the end of it. Seriously. I felt like some booming voice was going to tell me seven seals were about to come popping open and to kiss my ass goodbye.
I would rather choose a Marathon-Man style session at the dentist than another viewing of this thing.
eep. That’s baaaaaad. Then again, I think the only thing I truly fear on this planet is the dentists chair. So you struck a nerve with that one. Sadistic bastards. All of ‘em.
I felt like some booming voice was going to tell me seven seals were about to come popping open and to kiss my ass goodbye.
Max Von Sydow was gonna come swooping down and kick some ass. In Swedish.
Max Von Sydow was gonna come swooping down and kick some ass. In Swedish.
No shit, or Naomi Watts was going to start screaming.
If I wake up in the bottom of a damn well, I blame Scott. :p
Then again, I think the only thing I truly fear on this planet is the dentists chair. So you struck a nerve with that one. Sadistic bastards. All of ‘em.
I am only un-afraid of dentists now thanks to my kindly, very sweet, very gentle dentist who is amazing. Before that? Terrifying. And the idea of someone working on me without anesthetic ranks right up there with “Having to touch a snake” on the Things That Are So Uber Scary They Make Caitlin Cry list.
I remember watching most of this when it was on Sundance a few years back. The film’s director, E. Elias Merhige, was the guy who made the very good “Shadow of the Vampire” with Willem DaFoe, and then the less-than-successful Ben Kingsley serial killer flick “Suspect Zero” years later. Believe it or not,
“Begotten” shows up on quite a few film critic’s ‘best of ‘ lists in the early 90’s when it was first released. I’ve never really been a fan of the esoteric, avant-garde indie works like this. It bored me to tears.
SINGING *Prizes, prizes, I’m going to win prizes* /SINGING
And Caitlin, I’d tell you how sorry I am for having you watch this but really, you kinda asked for it. :)
Scott, I did ask for it, and yes, you are going to win prizes. To even it out, though, since I called this way in advance, pretty much, I’ll be doing runner-up prizes, too.
I already got one of your prizes in the mail! I’m waiting on other ones, though. Hey, can you re-send me your address? I lost it. Because I am made of lame.
I can’t even begin to describe what this film did to me, I remember seeing a blurb on the trailer “no one will get through begotten without being marked”
It’s just horrible, I wish more than anything I didn’t watch it, and I would tell people not to watch it either, but hey, that’s just gonna make you wanna watch it more :P
Okay, I have never laughed so much in all my life. Your review was hillarious, and so was the film (in a demented and creepy way). Of key interest was the “evil eye shot” that kept appearing throughout the first few minutes of the film…hehe. Wow, weird stuff.
Begotten in my opinion is one of the best movies i have ever seen, considering im a huge horror fan. this is by far the most terrifying film since the 1922 classic nosferatu. Its so deeply disturbing.
you guys should check out Eraserhead its another twisted film filled with those ambient feelings of the bizarre