I don’t think I can give this one a fair review.
Let’s just get it out of the way. The plot of Clueless is Emma. They’re based on the same story. If you haven’t seen Clueless then … I’m horrified and you need to go rent it, watch it, whatever, right now. (Clueless is the better of the two. “And may I remind you, it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?”) Emma is obsessed with matchmaking and her attempts to match up all her friends lead to disastrous results.
First of all, I’m deeply troubled by the fact that the movie poster seems to screw up both Toni Collette and Ewan McGregor’s names (seriously, do you proofread much, people?), but in the interest of transparency I feel that I should at least note that I abhor these sorts of movies.
One would think that I would be a huge fan of pretty English people in fancy dresses with romantic problems, but I’m certainly not. And while it may go against a lot of popular opinions, I am no fan of Jane Austen. I find her outstandingly boring and I’ve never been huge on “romance” anyways, so I find most Austen film adaptations like Pride and Prejudice and others to be little more than an irritation or a cure for insomnia. I can understand how others find them entertaining, but I do get tired of the constant waxing poetic about these adaptations of films by Austen and how adorably adorable and cute they are, primarily because it’s just variations on the same theme for me, personally.
Strike one.
Also, I find Gwyneth Paltrow insufferable. Nine times out of ten, I’d prefer chewing on broken glass to watching Paltrow smug her way through a movie. She always looks so distinctly pleased with herself. Whatever she’s doing in a movie is always with a thin undercoating of derision and disdain. Paltrow’s one of those people that I think very few folks fall in the middle with regards to their personality; I believe most people either really love Paltrow or really don’t care for her. I personally can’t stand to watch her act because it’s always apparent that it’s Gwyneth Paltrow playing someone else. The only exception I can readily offer up is her portrayal of Margot Tenenbaum, which I actually really like and will always give her a pass for it.
Not here, though. It’s so distinctly Paltrow – so smug, so upper crust, so self-absorbed. I get really tired of watching her because the moment you begin to buy her as a character, there is some smirk or eyebrow raise that reminds you you’re watching Gwyneth Paltrow.
A random aside: I always imagined her and Daniel Day-Lewis getting together and having lots of smug-faced babies together because they are pretty much the epitome of the Smug, Dedicated To Their Craft kind of actor. They both seem to be people who prattle on endlessly about the high art of acting and preach on to the little folks about what they believe to be true.
I was so disappointed when Paltrow married that dude from Coldplay, mainly because he seems somewhat boring and at least if she had run off and married Daniel Day-Lewis, that would have at least made me laugh. Daniel Day-Lewis has always struck me as the kind of guy that would quit acting to open his own haberdashery, proffering all sorts of statements about how creative and artistic and organic being a haberdasher was, only to promptly quit and go back to acting six months later.
But, alas, this did not happen.
This has nothing to do with Emma, but as you can see, this man loves hats.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh, yes. So, Paltrow kind of sets my teeth on edge throughout the whole movie.
Strike two.
And in come the supporting cast of characters, like Toni Collette and Alan Cumming and Ewan McGregor, all of who I find extremely worth my time, and they all fall flat. Boring and vapidly so. I mean, when I don’t want to leap through the screen and hug Alan Cumming, it’s not a good sign. I didn’t want to touch him at all; mainly I just wanted to fix his costume and that awful hair.
Watching Emma, I began to feel the reasons why I don’t like these Victorian period piece Austen/Bronte/whatever adaptations very much formulating in my brain amidst all the fluff I remember about crap like The Mighty Ducks and Return of the Living Dead. The main reason is that they’re all really the same thing in the end. It’s always a movie about a woman in an empire waist dress who is having hopeless love problems while gracious men in ridiculous collars parade around and everyone resolves their love problems by the end of the film through a remarkable set of coincidence. Everyone’s manners are impeccable and the dinner parties all look the same. They’re always set in these country houses with sprawling green lawns and it gets to the point where it all feels interchangeable in my head.
I’m sure many people could say the same about my fascination with horror movies, but these films always feel so dull and lifeless to me because no one seems to have any other aim in life than to get married and/or be in love. Not to sound heartless, but that is so yawn-inducing that I don’t know where to start. Being in love is a wonderful thing that everyone wants, but I often found Emma a drag not necessarily because that’s all that it’s about, but moreover this version of love and marriage I have seen on a screen many times before.
I can’t give it a bad review because technically and everything, it’s pretty good. It’s just my own personal tastes hold me back, in a sense, and prevent me from really enjoying it. It feels so empty to me. Pretty, but empty.
Plus, Paltrow. I expect her to steal Daniel Day-Lewis’ business plan for that haberdashery any day now, folks.
I think I’ve always felt sort of the same way about Paltrow, sorta. I mean, I think, because I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything. Avctually, last week I saw Great Expectations and I was shocked that I liked her?! Maybe I was too biased towards it as soon as I knew what it was — directedby Alfonso Cuarón (favorite live-action director), shot by Emmanuel Lubezki (god), Anne Bancroft being crazy! — but she was sorta really good. AND she was opposite Ethan Hawke and I liked them both, for that matter?! Gotta love blind fanboyism.
I don’t think that paragraph has anything to do with anything.
Also, you’re a genius.
I think I’ve always felt sort of the same way about Paltrow, sorta.
I think a lot of people do. And I certainly don’t think this whole GOOP thing that she’s going on is engendering legions of people to change their minds.
but she was sorta really good. AND she was opposite Ethan Hawke and I liked them both, for that matter?!
I never saw it. But I can imagine. She has brief flashes of acting normalcy, which I think explains why I love her portrayal of Margot Tenenbaum SO. MUCH.
I tend to avoid her movies at large, though. Seriously – it bothered me SO MUCH that she was in Iron Man. It was the only part of the film I didn’t really enjoy, her being Pepper.
Also, you’re a genius.
Woah, I have no idea what I did to deserve THAT little gem… thank you? I guess?
Yeah, I’m with you…these victorian romance flicks are usually terrible.
Gwyneth Paltrow is totally annoying. I don’t even know why. Maybe it’s like you said…maybe she’s just too smug. I think the only movie that I liked her in was Seven. A friend recommended Shakespeare in Love to me and, against my better judgement, I watched it. What a terrible effing movie that was. Oh! And also! She was totally retarded in Sky Captain. Ugh, god.
Anyways, Daniel Day-Lewis is okay in my book. If I had a hat like that, I would rock that shit so hard.
I love romance novels and I love adventure genre books from the Jane Austen era, but put the two together into an actual Austen book and I’d rather poke my own eyes out with a stick. Can’t stand her at all! It’s just so BORING! KtG made me and Schnookie sit through all six hours of the A&E “Pride and Prejudice”; it was the worst “entertainment” experience of my life and that includes seeing “Ladybugs” at a sleepover, seeing “Encino Man” in the theater, and watching the Devils lose in the SCF in 2001. It’s just that bad. I think I’ll skip Emma, then! :D
What a terrible effing movie that was. Oh! And also! She was totally retarded in Sky Captain. Ugh, god.
God. I still can’t believe she WON an Academy Award for Shakespeare in Love. It makes me feel all stabbity.
Anyways, Daniel Day-Lewis is okay in my book. If I had a hat like that, I would rock that shit so hard.
I fully confess that my diabolical feelings towards Day-Lewis are completely irrational but I can’t help it. I just want to throw things at the screen every time he’s on it.
KtG made me and Schnookie sit through all six hours of the A&E “Pride and Prejudice”; it was the worst “entertainment” experience of my life and that includes seeing “Ladybugs” at a sleepover, seeing “Encino Man” in the theater, and watching the Devils lose in the SCF in 2001.
OH DEAR GOD, POOKIE. That is awful! Was this the version with Colin Firth? You have my double condolences then, because Firth just makes me half-vomit on myself. I will say this, avoid Emma (the movie) but if y’all haven’t seen the Emma Thompson version of Sense and Sensibility you should. I don’t even like Jane Austen and I like that one – Emma Thompson, Kate Winslet and Alan Rickman (oh, god, especially him) really made me enjoy that one. I think of it as the exception to the rule.
I had a bad experience with romance novels once. I have never recovered and never touched one again…
OK two stories. One Austen. One Paltrow.
Jane Austen: I once stage managed an off-Broadway show which was a historical fiction about Jane Austen and a secret sea captian lover she had. So not only was it someone ripping off Jane Austen’s boring style, the author also got to do literary criticism as well. Weeee! I think it is no shocker that I got just as big of an ovation as the actor’s did the night I accidentally broke a glass on stage during a scene change, but had the good sense to sweep the broken glass into the set’s fire place.
Gweneth Paltrow: When my wife and I went to Mount Sinai Hospital to have our son Max induced, I had packed a bag to stay overnight with the new mamma and boy. We found out that our insurance did not cover a private room, and husbands were not allowed overnight in semi-private rooms, so I had to leave for the nights. Anyway, we were also told that Mount Sinai has a corner suite for new mommies that was a mere $5,000.00 a night. This is where Apple and Moses were born, so the hospital room was coined the “Gweneth Paltrow” room, and my wife and I still find that insufferable to this day.
Morgan, re: the Austen play: That is hilarious!
So not only was it someone ripping off Jane Austen’s boring style, the author also got to do literary criticism as well. Weeee!
You sound so thrilled to have this one on your resume! Hee! (And I’m glad someone agrees with me that Austen = boring. I feel all alone in this usually.) And I’m glad you got a well deserved standing ovation! :D
Anyway, we were also told that Mount Sinai has a corner suite for new mommies that was a mere $5,000.00 a night. This is where Apple and Moses were born, so the hospital room was coined the “Gweneth Paltrow” room, and my wife and I still find that insufferable to this day.
Oh dear God, I do not blame you! (And that’s horrible that you couldn’t stay overnight with little Max and Mrs. Morgan; but yet Paltrow got a cushy corner suite. Hmph).
Also, if you think her birth practices are insufferable, you should see her life and style advice website thingy she’s got going on. Jezebel runs recaps of all her newsletters and they’re disgustingly pretentious, insufferable and reek of smugitude.
You have my double condolences then, because Firth just makes me half-vomit on myself.
Yup, it was the Firth one. ::half-vomits::
Once we watched “Lonestar” (one of my all-time favorites) with a friend of Schnookie’s; his comment about the film was, “Chris Cooper looks like he’s always smelling a fart.” Schnookie’s review of Colin Firth in “P&P” was “He looks like he has ants in his cravat. And they’re farting. He’s smelling farting ants in his cravat.” Even that wasn’t enough to make even a minute of that movie bearable. I spent the entire 6 hours watching the clock numbers move on the front of the VCR.
Morgan, that’s crazy about the Paltrow suite at the hospital!
Woah, I have no idea what I did to deserve THAT little gem… thank you? I guess?
You’re welcome? :P
I thought I couldn become a bigger fan of you, Caitlin. Then I read this review (of a movie I recommended) and…well, you can guess. I hate this movie. Alicia Silverstone was my childhood love. I hate Gwyneth. I love Clueless. You nailed it. It’s no ‘Begotten’ but it’ll come in a close second.
Schnookie’s review of Colin Firth in “P&P” was “He looks like he has ants in his cravat. And they’re farting. He’s smelling farting ants in his cravat.”
Oh no. Now I will never be able to look at Colin Firth without thinking of farting cravat ants. Heeeeee. You guys come up with the best descriptions of things, I swear.
You’re welcome? :P
I am grateful?
I thought I couldn become a bigger fan of you, Caitlin. Then I read this review (of a movie I recommended) and…well, you can guess.
Internet hugs, Scott! Paltrow is the devil and this movie blows. (That’s really saying something because it contains a Hot Old Man and even he can’t lend it some respectability).
I have no idea how I’m going to review Begotten, incidentally.
I am grateful?
I’m flattered you care so much?
I wonder if you like Gwynnie as Margot Tenenbaum because Margot Tenenbaum is essentially just Gwyneth-Paltrow-As-Object as a character? (I say that fully putting forth that I liked her in that movie too.)
And I can’t watch the Emma Thompson “Sense and Sensibility” because (and I know I’m going to hell for saying this) Emma Thompson is one of those actors that I can never stop thinking, “I’m watching Actor X play a role”. Obviously she’s not, like, arch and insufferable like Gwyneth, but she’s just always EMMA THOMPSON!!! to me.
smug-faced babies
You’re very funny.
I don’t hate paltrow but I totally get why people get annoyed with her or her acting. She always looks so bored or constipated ( she was super bored in great expectations and possession). This reminds me of a kathy griffin piece where she effs her so hilariously.
Obviously she’s not, like, arch and insufferable like Gwyneth, but she’s just always EMMA THOMPSON!!! to me.
Oh no. I totally get that! I’m sorry, Schnookie. Heh.
I wonder if you like Gwynnie as Margot Tenenbaum because Margot Tenenbaum is essentially just Gwyneth-Paltrow-As-Object as a character?
I think that’s a big part of it. You’ve hit it on the head! (The other part is that the Tenenbaums are essentially Wes Anderson’s version of J.D. Salinger’s Glass family. :D)
You’re very funny.
Thank you, patrick, that’s very kind of you.
This reminds me of a kathy griffin piece where she effs her so hilariously.
That Kathy Griffin piece was hilarious. Are you referring to the one where Kathy Griffin describes interviewing Paltrow and Stella McCartney for the Golden Globes red carpet? The one where Stella was all snarky and Paltrow was bitchy? Heh. Because that … that was good stuff.
(Also good stuff: her segment on how she went on the view and pissed off Barbara Walters with comments about Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones.)
Yes, that’s the one! She’s brutal and i love her. Just like you.
I haven’t realized it before but the tenenbaums ARE like the glass family. nice. and the royal tenenbaums is the closest we’ll get to having a jd salinger story turned into a movie.
Yes, that’s the one! She’s brutal and i love her. Just like you.
Patrick, I have an internet hug and a glass of bourbon on the rocks JUST FOR YOU.
and the royal tenenbaums is the closest we’ll get to having a jd salinger story turned into a movie.
No lie. No lie. Damn, dude. (Raise High The Roofbeam, Carpenters is one of the best things ever. The story in Nine Stories where Seymour Glass kills himself just breaks my heart every time.)
On the plus side, when Salinger shuffles off the mortal coil, word has it that he’s been writing like a crazy person (ha!) for years and years and years and locking it all away in a fire-proof safe. When he dies, then it’ll all be published, or so people who have been to Salinger’s home say.
Not that I’m wishing any badness to fall upon a man who has written some amazing stuff (and I’m not lumping Catcher In The Rye in there) but he’s really old, dude.